Reality In Love.

And I was at it again.

I cringed when I heard a high-pitched voice, the tension and frustration that the voice carried pierced my eardrums, causing large thumps which threatened to make my ears bleed. I tensed every muscle in my aching body, sending shooting pains like needles throughout my crumpled physique. My desiccated body screamed hydration, despite the liquid that so plentiful attempted to escape my eyes. The tired voice continued to ring through my ears, repeating, muttering, and I slowly, excruciatingly propped myself into a somewhat stable sitting position to listen. I ferociously wiped my eyes along the length of my jumper, erasing the traces of liquid that managed to squeeze through my bruised eyelids. I quickly composed myself, lying with a foolish, blank expression which made my face seem less inanimate.

I allowed my surroundings to be revealed to me as I peeped through narrow slits in my eyes. I saw with blurred, welled up eyes vague silhouettes of my dark room; the light wasn't on, and I could only make out furniture and large decor that was placed practically around the room. I dared myself to open my eyes wider, and I could see more detail in the environment that I was in.

The voice that had bothered me so much had quietened down to slight footsteps that I could hear coming towards the direction of my room. They stopped outside my door, and for a moment, hesitated. Then, a soft, somewhat fearful knock against my door caused my head to snap towards the side, and my neck began to cramp. I pressed my hand against my neck as the door creaked open ever so slowly. I saw a hand creep up towards my wall where the light-switch was located, and with a click, light flooded my dark room. I cringed again in reaction, but I found myself easily adjusting to the bright lights that revealed the objects within my room. I could see.

And when I turned to the door, I saw who I knew to be the most beautiful person ever.

Her tired face was crinkled with stress and sadness. Her eyes were drooping, they were dark and lifeless. I watched her as she shuffled slowly into my room, and she met my gaze. The corner of her lips twitched slightly, upwards and downwards, and her bottom lip trembled slightly. She seemed to realise, and quickly bit her lip to control herself. When she saw me, she smiled. Her eyes stunned me with such a love that I could not ever comprehend. She whispered something incoherent, and I translated it as her unconditional love and care for me; her quiet words embodied my entire being, and it was as if she'd lifted a burden off my back. Despite my mess, she saw the beauty in me.

And it made me feel sick. I'd felt my stomach force my organs towards my throat, rejecting my last meal, as well as my needs of a constant beating heart, and breath to keep me living. I stifled a painful cough, covering my mouth in case of the blood that threatened to spew out of my mouth had I opened it anymore. Yet my heart fought against the action of my body. It weighed down heavier than ever before, and pushed against my stomach. My lungs felt like bursting, but my heart hardened to refuse the expansion of my lungs. My ribcage almost broke as my lungs tried to extrude, sending my limp body into another wave of pain. I forced my head into my knees, and suppressed my desire to exert all that was within me.

My body rejected her love and her care for me. At a single glance of her weary smile, I'd immediately drowned into a deep abyss of hatred and frustration of myself. My mind could not understand it and my body would not accept it. Her love for me was by far the closest image to the love of God that I could ever see. It killed me so much to know that I could fail her; yet I knew she had hope in me. She never gave up on me; her faith in me was unwavering, and she urged hope to seap through the cracks of my desiccated, dismantled heart.

How she loved me was beyond comprehension. And I could do nothing more than to accept it; my reasonable response was to thank her, for I could not do more. My heart splurged with sadness and sorrow, and I hid myself under my blankets once again. She left me to be at peace, still smiling, so desperately trying to instil the hope that she had for me in my heart.

I love you, mum.

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And I place myself into routine once again; I am lifeless, I am a robot with eyes set in work and study. My heart has no place in this machine.

LOL, Sarah.