Ex-Best Friends.

It is so painstakingly heart-wrenching that something so good could cause so much controversy. More of a certain desire exposes the perhaps superficial nature of a very similar other. Why? That constant reminder of a particular failure, fear, lack of communication and trust in attempt to tear down a barrier I'd put up so long ago. I'm sorry dear, it's not coming down; only to Him, perhaps.

But why is it there in the first place? Simple. Third wheel. The stupid nature of the third wheel. It almost doesn't have a purpose, aside from perhaps helping to guide the way for the other two that actually matched together.

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Somehow I'd found my way next to you. The night was dark, and suspended above us were bright lights to guide our way. Not that we needed it, of course, for there was such a large crowd going towards one direction: home. And we were part of that crowd. The quiet landscape glimmered of the river we walked beside, and bright city lights that would have taken my breath away had I seen it the first time. It was a beautiful evening; an evening spent with you, and I would have not traded it for the world. The one time ever with only you, and not our other 'best friend'. This was a night to remember, but little did I know that it would have the greatest impact on my life.

I scanned the city landscape as we chattered on. Our conversations were a constant bickering of jokes that you'd heard, and lighthearted laughter that rated the hilarity in those jokes. We'd conversed about our day, our passions, and our life. Everything that was on our hearts would spill out of our mouths, like a shaken bottle filled with 90 emotions and unheard thoughts. I'd felt so much closer to you, walking so closely beside you, shielded by your strong figure against the shadows that passed by us. We continued along the sandy shores of the riverbanks, shuffling our steps in the sand, until we encountered a bridge, large and wooden and sturdy, enough to hold hundreds of people at a time.

I smiled at you as the lights above us shone upon you, revealing a shimmer in your eyes, and some sort of quirkyness from the corners of your mouth as you spoke, laughed, and smiled with me. I so desired to be closer to you, to hug your arm, but I quickly retracted myself as our grainy footfalls suddenly became solid and hollow as we found ourselves at the entrance to the bridge. I turned forward, and leapt up to the side, where a small wall shielded us from falling into the dark gloom beneath the bridge. I used your shoulder to help myself balance upon the beams, and then pretended to be a tightrope walker who was suspended on the thinnest of ropes that reached the heights of the Rialto Tower. You laughed at me as I stumbled and tripped over my feet, hovering close beside me, supporting me like a sturdy crutch whenever I lost sense of direction when I attempted the difficult task of looking sideways towards you and continuing forward. I'd almost fallen on you, when you grasped my hand to steady my balance. Upon throwing you a thankful glance, I saw how suddenly fragile you looked under a different shade of light; where your eyes ceased to glimmer for me, and your grin was reduced to a faint curve. I was completely overthrown by your sudden change that I almost fell over, soon after giving up on the walking beam afterwards, just as we reached the end of the bridge. Balance didn't matter anymore; I needed to concentrate on you now.

We landed on a conrete path shortly after stepping off the bridge, and our surroundings suddenly darkened. The trees beside the path swayed over us like lingering shadows threatening to engulf us in darkness. It was here that you'd shown me how you really felt. I searched your face for an answer to your fallen face, but I found none. Instead, I found the overflow of your heart spill out of your mouth; words that were so stupifyingly wrong and so illegal that I was blown away. I knew in my heart that you were foolish to even think of those things about our 'best friend', but I was so insecure about our friendship; anything that you'd said, I wanted to agree, so careful not to hurt, upset, or humiliate you. You stared at me expectantly, and I'd eventually realised that you were seeking a response. I forced a hesitant 'mhm', and we continued to walk in silence. My heart burned for understanding, and so desired to ask you why...

But I'd change the subject.

Little did I know that one simple train of thought, followed by the exposition of truth could affect our friendship forever. Who knew that the slip of words could change the level of trust in the rest of my relationships for the remainder of my life? You didn't know better than to trust me, and I was so young, foolish, and desperate to be approved by my two best friends that I held so dearly in my heart. Both of you defined the meaning of best friends, and I ruined it for you, though I cheered on the sidelines so desperately hoping you'd see me. But who could change the actions of a child who knew nothing better than to agree, and then break that level of trust by sharing one simple piece of information that changed me forever?

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Funny, I hate reminisce. Study and sleep have given me little time to think. That's my excuse for producing fairly downgraded blogs.

LOL, Sarah.