And All The Things In The World Cannot Measure Up...

I want to fall back into the arms of the One that loves me...
But how can I when I'm holding your hand?

I still can't control myself around you; your being is entirely fascinating.

LOL, Sarah.

This Is Me.

More than the sweetest of words, this is the love I have found.

I woke up today feeling more tired than going to sleep. Once again, I'd completely missed my alarm; I was in too deep a sleep to even notice its constant calls persisting to wake me. Indeed, I was an hour late for my que to arouse from my slumber, but nevermind that. Today, I came back into routine, into the life that I had so selfishly ditched. I'd have to rush the morning though.

I had myself finally delivered home. My mind crashed into a trance, and my body followed soon after. The day was finished, and I could not bare to take up anything else. It was beyond overwhelming. I needed the much needed rest that my body so craved for so long...

... It may have been days, or even weeks that I'd been deprived of comfort, rest, and peace of mind. I'd crippled myself of life's necessities. I didn't even eat properly, given that most of the time, there was nothing that I'd even desired to eat. My throat hurt, I'd lost interest in my talents, skills and even a sense of fun. I'd trained myself a facade that worked so well, I was almost convinced that I really was happy. I know, however, in my heart of hearts, that I was burdened, heavy, tired, and overwhelmed by the demands of this world.

I was cruising down the easy road of life, completely aware that the mountain that I needed to climb was in the opposite direction. I was planning a run-away. The scenes my life flashed passed me in an instant; so quickly they came, and they vanished the same. The road was fast, and I held on tight. But it was then that the sun began to set, and there was nothing I could do to stop myself from going into the blackest of paths.

But I woke up, uneasy, but awake. My breaths were increasingly short, and I was almost gasping for air. I pushed my palms on my heart to slow its irregular thumps, and curled myself into a safe ball in the comfort and security of my blanket and pillows. I squeezed my eyes shut, even though I knew that sleep would not come back. Soon enough, my body was calm, and I felt my muscles relax. Despite everything, I knew that today was different. It was a new day, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt normal.

My attitude is different today, I refuse to change it.

I'm sorry, but it's a sacrifice for our benefit.

LOL, Sarah.

Brightest,

If you find yourself here on my side of town,
I pray that you'd come to my door,
And talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about...
Because I don't remember anymore.

I feel like I've strained my voice so hard; I struggle to breathe, every second sentence is clouded with wisps of a thick, throaty cough which aches my neck as I attempt to silence the sound. Today went by so fast, and yet I feel so tired and worn out. It's as if my candle has been weakened, and the wax is too old to sustain me any longer. I truly am right now trashed, wrecked, and completely and utterly useless to anything or anyone. My mind is stained with violent thoughts and malevolent images, and I am scared that they will somehow free themselves from the boundaries of my skull. They flee so freely, but my tongue holds tight in my mouth; no words will scathe others, and my visions are my visions only.

Again, I'd missed you, though I struggle to convince myself that this is now for the better. Perhaps I'll let you go. Perhaps we should stop using each other so selfishly.

There was only one single time in this day that I did not regret. There were twenty minutes of my life that I did not waste away.

And I suppose this week was pointless; there was such a diverse display of emotions, drastic behaviours and consequences packed into this week, and yet now... none of it even matters. What matters is that now I can rest in Your promises, and that I can have peace of mind.

Thank the Heavens.

LOL, Sarah.

P.S. I lost all sense of tenses, but I ponder of what my future holds as the story of my life unfolds. "Oh Snap. It rhymed".

They Were The Happy Times, The Greatest Moments In Our Lives.

4our things (inspired by ames4eva).

- There is nothing gained in a quick fix society aside from the temporary relief of a burdened and heavy weighted heart, which, in the end, remains burdened, and if anything, even heavier than before.
- The words "why do you love me?" never felt so real to me in my entire life until now.
- I can still see Your love everywhere, blessing me back into salvation.
- I've experienced an almost complete separation from the One that loves me most, and it will be my testimony when I come through.

LOL, Sarah.

Happy 100th post, and happy birthday Bonez. <3

What am I, that I might be called Your child?

- Beautiful; By Shaun McDonald.

P.S, I was fiddling with the formatting.

Reality In Love.

And I was at it again.

I cringed when I heard a high-pitched voice, the tension and frustration that the voice carried pierced my eardrums, causing large thumps which threatened to make my ears bleed. I tensed every muscle in my aching body, sending shooting pains like needles throughout my crumpled physique. My desiccated body screamed hydration, despite the liquid that so plentiful attempted to escape my eyes. The tired voice continued to ring through my ears, repeating, muttering, and I slowly, excruciatingly propped myself into a somewhat stable sitting position to listen. I ferociously wiped my eyes along the length of my jumper, erasing the traces of liquid that managed to squeeze through my bruised eyelids. I quickly composed myself, lying with a foolish, blank expression which made my face seem less inanimate.

I allowed my surroundings to be revealed to me as I peeped through narrow slits in my eyes. I saw with blurred, welled up eyes vague silhouettes of my dark room; the light wasn't on, and I could only make out furniture and large decor that was placed practically around the room. I dared myself to open my eyes wider, and I could see more detail in the environment that I was in.

The voice that had bothered me so much had quietened down to slight footsteps that I could hear coming towards the direction of my room. They stopped outside my door, and for a moment, hesitated. Then, a soft, somewhat fearful knock against my door caused my head to snap towards the side, and my neck began to cramp. I pressed my hand against my neck as the door creaked open ever so slowly. I saw a hand creep up towards my wall where the light-switch was located, and with a click, light flooded my dark room. I cringed again in reaction, but I found myself easily adjusting to the bright lights that revealed the objects within my room. I could see.

And when I turned to the door, I saw who I knew to be the most beautiful person ever.

Her tired face was crinkled with stress and sadness. Her eyes were drooping, they were dark and lifeless. I watched her as she shuffled slowly into my room, and she met my gaze. The corner of her lips twitched slightly, upwards and downwards, and her bottom lip trembled slightly. She seemed to realise, and quickly bit her lip to control herself. When she saw me, she smiled. Her eyes stunned me with such a love that I could not ever comprehend. She whispered something incoherent, and I translated it as her unconditional love and care for me; her quiet words embodied my entire being, and it was as if she'd lifted a burden off my back. Despite my mess, she saw the beauty in me.

And it made me feel sick. I'd felt my stomach force my organs towards my throat, rejecting my last meal, as well as my needs of a constant beating heart, and breath to keep me living. I stifled a painful cough, covering my mouth in case of the blood that threatened to spew out of my mouth had I opened it anymore. Yet my heart fought against the action of my body. It weighed down heavier than ever before, and pushed against my stomach. My lungs felt like bursting, but my heart hardened to refuse the expansion of my lungs. My ribcage almost broke as my lungs tried to extrude, sending my limp body into another wave of pain. I forced my head into my knees, and suppressed my desire to exert all that was within me.

My body rejected her love and her care for me. At a single glance of her weary smile, I'd immediately drowned into a deep abyss of hatred and frustration of myself. My mind could not understand it and my body would not accept it. Her love for me was by far the closest image to the love of God that I could ever see. It killed me so much to know that I could fail her; yet I knew she had hope in me. She never gave up on me; her faith in me was unwavering, and she urged hope to seap through the cracks of my desiccated, dismantled heart.

How she loved me was beyond comprehension. And I could do nothing more than to accept it; my reasonable response was to thank her, for I could not do more. My heart splurged with sadness and sorrow, and I hid myself under my blankets once again. She left me to be at peace, still smiling, so desperately trying to instil the hope that she had for me in my heart.

I love you, mum.

---

And I place myself into routine once again; I am lifeless, I am a robot with eyes set in work and study. My heart has no place in this machine.

LOL, Sarah.

If I Could Just Scream Your Name... (continued from previous)

And there was one last thing I wanted to mention.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, so so sorry. Will you ever believe me?

I would only degrade you to make me feel better about myself. You're too perfect, and I don't deserve to even know you, talk to you, or love you. But I do anyway, because I want you to know that you're perfect, that you're loved, that you're the best person ever, and that I could never match up to you; I would only cause you pain, hurt, frustration, and agitation.

---

But please, do not think for once that it is about you. Don't be so narrow minded in thinking that the cause of someone's behaviour is the result of your actions, because more often times than not, it isn't. There's a larger world out there, and you can barely scrape knowledge of a miniscule piece of it.

The world is complex, likewise is the mind.

LOL, Sarah.

Alternate Futures.

I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted.

And it was about time that I had realised that I wasn't quite who I thought I was. This was a new sensation, a new path that I'd never been game enough to walk through. It was as if a new chapter of my life had begun to unfold... but there was a difference this time. There are two chapters, begging, colliding, arguing against each other to become a permanent part of the story of my life. They cannot follow consecutively, nor can they intertwine their lines of adventure together to create a comfortable balance. The pages flick through ever so hurriedly, and I can't even catch my breath to read even a sentence.

I could remember myself summarising the first paragraph of these two chapters. On one point, I was happy. It had been a while since I'd felt relieved from stress, and things were actually running through fairly easily. But there was one integral part of my life missing in this chapter, and I was slowly dying on the inside because of my deprivation.

On the alternative, I would find struggle, hardship, and sacrifice. I would constantly be in pain, and somewhat busy in every area of my life. However, I knew that it would lead to real peace and joy within my heart, and it would resonate so strongly. I would be in constant labor, but I would have enough strength, and I had peace of mind.

Honestly, I'm shivering to the bone with the consequences that these chapters are bringing into my life. The fear of sacrifice, and the fear of being closed-minded is a constant battle between the mind and the heart.

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

And right now, I'm dying on the inside.

LOL, Sarah.

Two Complete Worlds.

When I'm around you, I make one hundred million exceptions, and I can't help myself. Every word you say stops my breath short, and a smile creeps onto my face. Even the most neutral things are intensified; the way you deliver is so simple yet it dawns such amazement upon me. I am completely astounded and taken aback by you.

And I hate it. You're ruining my life. I lose sleep, lose routine, and all sense of time because of you. And I completely lose my self control.

I am utterly and incredibly infatuated by you.

LOL, Sarah.

A Casual Farce.

I was awakened by the vibrations of my phone as it sounded my infamously annoying ringtone, begging me to receive the call that had been made. My entire body was sprawled lazily across the couch, in a fairly unfeminine way. Thankfully, I was the only one in the room at that time. I stretched open my eyes, and for a moment, everything was a blur. I groaned slightly, and rubbed my eyes clear of the sleep that attempted to glue me back to sleep, even though my phone continued to cry out to me. I reached out my arm towards the table where my phone seemed to try and escape my grasp, and I almost spilled a plastic cup in the process of fumbling around for my phone. Once I'd got a hold of it, I slowly propped myself on my elbow, and stared at my phone until I could see clearly the name of which it wrote. As my vision cleared, I was able to make out the first few letters, and a symbol that had been cheekily added at the end of the name.

I felt my heart skip a beat, and my breath suddenly wasn't sufficient. I felt my temperature rapidly rising; it was as if someone had turned on the heater to 40 degrees Celsius. My eyes widened as I re-read the name over and over, and my hand shook as the phone vibrated yet again. A smile crept onto my face as I opened the phone, ceasing it from calling any longer, and held it up to my ear. I stifled my laughter as I'd heard a familiar yet strange voice speak into my ear.

I know who you are. :p

Epic donuts!

LOL, Sarah.

You Mature Child.

And there it was again; the exact same situation, circumstance, and even in the same environment. I watched you, dazed and amazed yet again, as you poured out your heart; you were so broken and so burdened. It killed me to watch you as you spoke of your sadness, struggle and hardships. And yet again, as it was last time, you spoke hope into your life, you encouraged yourself, and in effect, encouraged others and gave them hope.

The way I saw you was that you hated yourself, and with every wrong action you spoke of, in your eyes I saw regret and frustration. And I simply could not understand you.

Despite your burden, despite your shortcomings, despite everything, I could not see anything wrong with you. You were still amazing, inspiring, dare I say perfect, in my own eyes. It was as if I'd refused to see your flaws; instead, I saw how passionately bright you were in the midst of the darkest and loneliest of times. I saw you how God sees you, and not how you see yourself.

And yet I don't know how I can look at myself the same way. You're still beyond amazing, and I don't understand how I could ever measure up to your tenacity and perseverance.

---

And finally, I'm sorry, again, for continuously and absent-mindedly leaving you, again. It's killing me to know that you would feel even slightly annoyed at my actions. I'm trying for you. Still.

I love you.

---

I haven't napped in the afternoon today. I'm very tired, and therefore I have a very short fuse. I'm not angry though, I just dislike LOTE quite a fair amount at this present moment in time. Thank you for still reading, even though I haven't been blogging so much anymore.

LOL, Sarah.

Composing Yourself As Another.

I watched her as she moved so gracefully between the obstacles of tables and chairs, gliding so easily through and in between idle students murmuring amongst themselves. She pranced across the crowded room, and pivoted her way to my side. She smiled as she greeted me, and it was as if it was her smile that lit the whole room. I gazed at her as she delved into conversation, articulating with such passion; her eyes lightened and darkened as she spoke of the wondrous stories of her favourite past-times. Her elegant voice captured the attention of all around her; friends were engrossed in conversation with her.

I looked on at her; her face showed so much charisma and excitement, her eyes flitted to and fro and she waved her hands about. She hopped around daintilly on her toes; her whole body responded to her excitement and joy. Her gestures were outrageously dramatic, but she never seemed to care if anyone would stare at her; whether they would judge her, criticise her, or simply analyse her, she caught the attention of all who would notice. And she made me think about her, day and night.

She was incredibly unpredictable and uncontrollable. Her emotions lay just under her sleeve, ready to burst out whenever it was given the chance. Her smile never ceased to ease tension, and her nimble yet somewhat clumsy movements amused all those who watched. In a peer's perspective, she was a bundle of joy with no boundaries. But to me, I could see her in a different light; she was beautiful, but inside, she was a completely different person. I could see when her eyes darkened, and her face dropped to a numb, and almost pained expression, before composing herself and continuing her cheery chatter. I could see how she seemed like she didn't care what the world thought of her, but secretly she just wished to be understood. I could see how she was so animated, but I knew that all she wanted was to be accepted for who she was. Everyone was interested in what she had to say, but no one could see how hard she tried, just so that they wouldn't leave her for something better.

She was so afraid of losing others that she would never give up trying for them.

And that was just the way she was. She was beautiful in a tragic kind of way.

---

I can see how I'm progressively becoming worse. I am striving for something better.

LOL, Sarah.

Sorry, Guys.

As you get older.

You've learned that the only people who truly mean it when they say they love you are your parents.
You've learned that there's always someone who's better at something than you are.
You've learned that it's so easy to be jealous of your best friend, but still love them anyway.
You've learned that your problems are insignificant when you're older, but they're great to laugh at...
And you've learned that the only ones you can trust are those who pray for you without you knowing it.

---

I'm tired, and I can't think. I don't even know why I'm up.

LOL, Sarah.

Three's A Crowd, But There's No One Else.

And now all I could do was sit back, huddled in my chair with my guitar in my hands, wishing you didn't take my breath away... again.

1.
I just hated it when whenever I'm around you, and a conversation takes place, I can never find the words to say. Yet afterwards, I could come up with the most cunning of phrases, and I practically drown myself in regret that I couldn't conjure up a neater phrase any time sooner.

2.
And it's obvious that we're falling apart. But still, is it fair to say, that we're both still complete? People wouldn't have recognised us as two different people leading two exquisitely different lives. We're slipping through each other's hands, and this time, I'm letting it happen. We're unique as two different people, and people are finally seeing us not as we are, but you as yourself, and me as who I am.

Thank you, for acknowledging that.

---

Lalala, I've devised a whole new routine for my school life, to balance with my home life, social life, and life in general. The only problem is that I have no place to put my blog life :P, so I'm very sorry for keeping all you guys in the dark for so long. I've had a great time at school, things are happening so quickly, but I love it. The number of people that I've met lately, it's amazing.

3.
And I wanna thank God for His continual watching over me, that He never leaves me, nor does He forsake me, when I stray. Instead He always hears me out and comforts me when I pray, and He provides abundantly for my every day.

See how I made that rhyme? Yeah. How awesome, ay? :D

I'm more confident now. I promise I won't hurt you tomorrow. :)

LOL, Sarah.