You am I.

Hey you,
Obviously we've come to some misunderstanding with each other. I thought we wanted the same thing. Igave up our time, and put in commitment and perseverance, but it didn't seem to work out. In fact, when I tried to do my best, you wrecked it by doing your worst. Mistake after mistake, and the more you make, the more I stuff up as well. But why? Why would you do that? We're exactly the same, yet completely different. I hate you. Your thoughts run parallel with mine, because they're the same. Yet, you manage to somehow change our flow, and send it crashing down.
You're ruining my life.
I thought I knew you, but I don't understand you at all. Ironic, because I know your every move, every single reaction, every thought. I know every bit of you. And I hate it. But I can't change it; you're not helping either.
I suppose I have to deal with it. I have my whole life with you to work it out. It would be grand if you made it easier for me.
From me.

Short Blog.

I have nothing much to say tonight. Encouragement and Passion is all that we lack.

If everyone would do what they could do, then a lot more would get done.

LOL, Sarah.

Conversation.

You sent your friends into laughing fits the minute you said the ultimate punch line that you had made up the night before. A well-deserved pat on the back was given to you, as well as a loud "OH SNAP!" from nearby listeners.

A chuckling friend from a slight distance away comes towards you, and you shoot a glance his way.

"Dude, that was pretty epic!" He complimented sincerely, not taking notice of your sudden frustration that quickly overwhelmed you, rejecting the joy you experienced only a second ago.

A shaking fizzy bottle within you was going to explode. You could not stand it when others used your words, and this one person, who happened to use it the moment you had just gotten over it, knocked your focus completely. Enraged, you respond, "Nah, more like an epic fail." And you walk off.

Don't for a second that you are suddenly better than him; that you are more original, and that he is conformist just because he decided to mimic you. What is a friend that lacks understanding, and knows only judgement?

LOL, Sarah.

Figure you, me.

Woo, new layout.

I wonder what you might get out of this short passage.

~~~
You do not know who I am, even though you see me everyday. You are always around me, constantly lingering by me, yet you still do not know what I think, see, hear, touch, taste or smell. You hear my every word, but you do not understand. You answer my questions, but you do not take notice of my reactions. You seem blissfully ignorant to me.

But I know you. I ask you inquisitive questions, making sure I am able to extract all information relevant to me. I take note of every elongated syllable, and how you enunciate your words. I watch you, and I see your reactions. I know how you think. After all, you speak your mind, don't you? But you know when to keep quiet, and that's when there's too much on your mind. You hold your tongue in fear that something might spill out. Your insecurity leaves you unable to trust yourself with your thoughts; you eventually will tell me anyway. And I hear, and I listen. I continue to watch you, for 90% of your communication your use of body language.

You gossip and complain, and you share exciting exerpts of scenes from your life. You reminisce, but not for long. You don't want the past to weigh down on you. You jump up and dance around, you act out your favourite episodes and quote your favourite lines. You gaze at your audience expectantly, and this is where I step in.

I mimic your moves; enough to keep you entertained and joyous. I withdraw myself to allow you your desired attention. I devote myself to see you smile, laugh, and have fun. However, I know when you need a break. I delicately take you away from the centre, for you to have your own time. I watch over you, but I dare not speak more than you. I know how far I can go with you, because I've been too far before. You ask for advice; I give you truth, but only as far as you need it be. You continue to talk, moan, worry, and I continue to listen, support, care. Why? Because I love you. I know all about you, and I know what you need, want, and desire deeply. I encounter you everyday.

And perhaps ignorance is bliss, because you needn't understand me to be happy.

I ask for nothing more but for happiness and joy to spread across your face and resonate throughout your body. This is what matters most to me, and that I be the one who helps you achieve this.

And this is also the reason to who I am. I constantly linger with you, watching you, hovering behind or beside you, given what you feel. I stand very close to you, always hugging your arm, or holding your garments. Perhaps maybe I wonder when you would want to know me more, but I still hover behind you while you talk nineteen to the dozen about life's mishaps as well as its' fortunes. I smile behind you, in adoration and admiration of your splendour and joy.

You needn't know about me, because all I am aims to make you happy. I would like to be known, but only as your supporter. That's all I ask from you.

Maybe one day you'll get to know me. One day, when you do the same what I do to you. However, it may not be possible; chances are that it will be exponentially harder than what you expect. You will need to try different approaches; be delicate with me. After all, you don't know me. It will be out of your comfort zone to try to understand me, so I will refrain from making it harder; your comfort, after all, is in my best interest. I will help you know me better in all ways I can, but you will have to ask the questions. You need to know what you want to know.

So, I've figured you out. Maybe someday, you'll learn to figure me. But in the meantime, I'm still lingering, clinging, waiting on your joy.
~~~

LOL, Sarah.

Thinking Grace.

The previous blog made me sound like the most closed-minded, arrogant, prideful, selfish person ever. Interesting ay? I'm a hypocrite, I know, but even that is something we all need to work on.

---

God's presence seems no different than his absence... But he knows where we're going.

If we never went through frustrations and failure, would we be exposed and desire his amazing grace?

---

She hugged her knees closer to her chest and craned her neck over her arms. She closed her eyes tightly, exhaled, and smiled. It was cold; still. She breathed slowly and steadily, calming herself as she focused. Her position did not help her body thaw as she sat, frozen in the midnight hour. But she was warm, comforted by the thoughts that ran through her mind. She rejected all her senses, all emotion; everything around her spoke loneliness, fear, insecurity; an attempt to consume her completely. If nothing else would help, she declared to herself, it is by this that I will be at peace, knowing that You are always there, and you are not fazed by where I am. Her eyes squeezed shut tighter; she pressed herself closer, and spoke grace.

LOL, Sarah.

Rant.

Hi people. I am officially not in an exceptionally good mood, but I can pull through. How? Through ventilation through a blog! YAY. I'm using through too much, and it's getting confusing. Baha. Anyway yeah jaggedy and awkward phrasing for when I'm in a strange mood like this, so bear with me please. :) You guys are cool too. This blog is specific to ranting.

Sensitivity.
"I'm a sensitive person, I get hurt easily. I am very emotional, but that's all in my nature, I can't help it". Now I would simply like to comment that, no, it's not actually in your nature; rather, it's your way of getting attention.

Quoting from STEP UP 2 (I still love that movie) "It's not about what you got, but what you make of what you got" - (I don't remember the character's name... lol...).

What I take out of this is that there will always be times that people will insult you, backstab you, gossip, get angry with you, be upset by you, etc. This will never change. Ever. You will always have haters. Muahaha. Anyway, instead, it's your reactions that are the consequences of actions taken against you.

Yeah, this blog could have been a lot worse, but I'm having trouble thinking of what to say. Just wanted to say that you choose how you take things. You choose how you respond, and you choose your consequences. I don't understand how people complain and be upset all the time and saying they get hurt easily. No one is weak. Most people don't realise that. Some do, yet still act weak so that they could feel the support of their companions and friends. Even fewer take it upon themselves to be strong, because they know they are.

I don't even think half of this made sense. Oh well.

I had something else bugging me, but I don't know how to write it out. Something about ex-best friends being boys. Meh, it's easier to talk it all out nowadays (I've talked 10 times more than recent times).

I need a happier blog.

Spider's web.

I'm finding it interesting, the amount of "coincidental" matters concerning me this year.

The amount of friendships gained; others lost. Or hanging by, what, a single strand of a spider's web? It used to be stronger than that, I knew so.

Hidden friendships resurfaced, others submerged.

I'm not a shallow person, you just ask the wrong questions.

---

Think about a spider's web for a bit, and you'll understand.

---

I was meant to explain the reason I have for typing so... formal. It's because I'm used to it, but it's actually not for my benefit. I recently read one of my friend's blogs, who mentioned that his blogs were all about the small i's, meaning that it wasn't all about him all the time. I was tempted to use the same template, but I decided that having it looking all proper and stuff.... it's just easier to read ay. Although I know at one point there were so many "I"'s clustered up together I really thought I should stop talking about myself.

But yeah, I'm thinking about you guys, because I know it's a lot easier to interpret full writing such as this, rather than something like "omgz lyk i sw dis guy @ work 2dai, so0 hawt; lyk, so wntd 2 tlk 2 him".

WELL I'm sure people can understand that. But I can't.... so nyeh. It's for my benefit too, haha. Good english. :)

LOL, Sarah.

Sleepless Night.

I sat so still, so emotionless; besides my eyes, which welled up with dirty tears. I felt so empty of liquid, so dry; it was as if someone had sucked all the water out of my body, taking care to make sure there was no way I could regain it.

I drank glass after glass of water, and lay back in bed. But sleep would still not come. I was awake for so long, and my body began to reject the water that I had only just consumed. Heat surged through my body; any single movement caused my body to begin sweating. I was uncomfortable where I lay, but I would not move. I was almost frozen with fear. My body's temperature continued to rise, as tears flowed down awkwardly by the side of my face.

I could barely manage to whisper, "God, I'm scared, God, give me peace, God, give me sleep, God what is wrong with me," all under one breath; I whimpered and squeezed my eyes shut, in hope to rid myself of my consciousness.

The alarm went off three times, and the light was switched on. I lay in the same position, but managed to cover my face with the untidy pile of blankets that I usually slept with. My body temperature was not cooling down at all, and I dreamt; I wished that someone would come into my room. I wished so much, I almost cried for someone to brush their cool fingers across my forehead and down my cheek, their croaky voice managing to make out some form of "It's going to be okay".

Thoughts ran through my head. Thoughts of not understanding, thoughts of restlessness, thoughts of being attacked. I hugged myself tighter, and my breaths were unnaturally shortened; I could almost not feel myself breathing anymore. Upon breaking a sweat, I pushed the blankets of my face. My head was throbbing. I stifled a sniff when the light was switched off again, and the front door swung open and closed.

My temperature was still warmer than usual, but sleep was finally coming to me. But now I needed to stay awake, or evidence of my sleepless night would be too obvious.

~~~

I could only so much as rest as soon as I first got into bed at about 12; and it's not until about now where I might actually be able to sleep.

I'm still scared, and my body's temperature is still quite high, but at least I'll manage to get about 2 hours of sleep.

"Thank you God for Your peace".

Sarah.

Vulnerability.

Completely shaken, she struggled to walk as she desperately limped away from the door, supporting her frail body with her calloused hand pressed hard against the wall, grasping at the old, peeling, and splintered weatherboards. She cried in utter pain as she groped for the wooden table ahead of her. Failing to stable herself on it, she collapsed in a rumpled heap. And then the door screeched open, smacking into the wall beside the door frame.

Outside, a ferocious downpour battered on the roof of the small room, accompanied by several loud claps of thunder, almost bursting her eardrums. She clasped her hands tightly over her ears; she almost began hyperventilating. Her head throbbed with pain. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her face frozen in a complete state of agony. She whimpered, squeezing her fragile body into a tight ball, as she heard the sloshing of footsteps nearing her.

The foreboding footsteps stopped right in front of her, and she curled herself up even tighter, fear shaking every bone in her body. The figure knelt beside her, leaning over the fragile body. Warm, soft hands were placed gently over her clammy, wet hands. Fingers delicately intertwined through her bony, white hands and into her disheveled hair. She flinched, and yelped as she buried her face further into her knees, forcing red marks into her temples. The hands applied no pressure to her head; instead, carefully unclasped her hands from her ears. As they did so, the girl cried, pulling away her hands from the strangers'. Their hands were ever so gentle on hers, but still firm, not letting her go. The stranger continued to pull her hands away, until they were enveloped in the strangers' hands in front of her. Her eyes remained squeezed shut, but she lifted her head slightly, ceasing to struggle to regain control of her shaky hands. For soon, her hands no longer were cold; the warmth of the strangers' hands replaced the damp air.

She tensed up again, although no longer shaking, as the stranger removed his grip of her hand, and cupped her cheek instead. She tried to pull away, but the warmth of his hand against her cheek was irresistable, and she pressed her face into his hand. The stranger chuckled, brushing a careful thumb over her quivering lips. The girl shortened her breaths in panic; but relaxed again as another hand was placed behind her neck, under the dripping tangles of her hair.

Slowly, gently, her head was lifted up. The girl would not fight it, but her eyes remained shut tightly, her eyebrows furrowed, crinkling the bridge of her nose.

"Hush, everything is okay now. You're safe. I'm here," a beautiful voice breathed into her ear. She could not recognise the voice, but the serenity of his voice dared here to squint open her eyes. She could only make out a black silhouette, surrounded by rundown walls and a furious blue-black looming behind the door frame. She closed her eyes again, whimpering and afraid.

"Shh, it's okay. Try again." He urged her to continue. She shook slightly, but opened her eyes again. This time she was able to make out the features of the stranger's face. The corner of his lips turned up slightly into a shy smile; a raindrop threatened to drip off at the end of his nose. His eyes were slightly covered by matted, dripping wet hair, pointing in all directions. A soft brown gazed into her teary, dark chocolate eyes.

She blinked twice, and finally recognised who it was. Impulsively, she immediately threw herself at him, burying her face in his chest, sobbing fiercely as she clenched her hands tightly into his shirt, squeezing him closer to her shaking body.

"Hush," he murmured simply, as he wrapped his arms around her, and rested his head on hers. He moved closer to her, maneuvering her body so to cradle her in his arms. She did not let go of him as he lifted her, for she knew she was now safe, and complete.

---

SO random. But I pictured it all in my head... and I realise that it really does look better in my head. Ohwell. I hope you enjoyed!

---

How can we complain that someone knows too much about us when all we talk about is ourselves? My friend said that I knew too much about him, and that he knew nothing about me. Ha. doesn't really matter; he always forgets what people tell him anyway, so there's not really any point to it.

---

I have three questions: why did he write it; why at the end of the year; and is it true? And that is all.

LOL, Sarah.

Paper Heart.

The paper heart lay on the stony concrete ground, undisturbed by the wind as it caught my eye. It wasn't dirtied; there was a small fold on the top left arc of the heart, as if to shade and protect that small area from the sun. The hollow heart framed a small patch of more concrete; it was completely see-through.

I stopped in the midst of my tracks, eyeing the heart that lay on the ground so conspicuously. A smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I took out my phone to take a photo. It came out nicely, and I continued into IGA.

---

As I returned, I searched for the paper heart, but it was nowhere to be found. It was as if it vanished; like my heart was stolen by a stranger.

---

Bahaha. When I first said something like that to Kathy, I was all like, "OH SNAP, SO BLOGGING THAT!", but it doesn't sound so good. Oh well, I will get the picture as soon as Kathy gives it to me.

LOL, Sarah.

Delicate Mishaps.

Presentation Night.

The annual evening dedicated to soully recognizing our teachers and students' academic excellence across the school, talented musical performances, reminisce of the year, and the evening which the year 12's have their last official recognition as they walked the stage down the aisles. This evening was majorly overrated.

But not for me this year. I was to be on stage four times for this Presentation Night for various things, all of which I was required to stay still until it was necessary to move. And that simple instruction was way too hard for me to keep. Up on stage, I could not stop fidgeting. Here's kind of what I did during the night:

Guitar Ensemble: Knights of Cydonia - Muse.
I walked on stage towards where I sat. I struggled to get my lead in, so I had to walk around my seat, then through the gap between the seat next to me as well as mine. Oh, by the way, I was right in front. On the right corner. Of which our rows were facing the left from the right corner of the stage (That means I was in front, and like, at the edge of the stage... LOL).

And I swear, I stuffed up the verse so badly, I could shoot myself in the head because of it. But hey, it's not worth me dying over. I'm over it, haha.

Academic Award.
Yeah, I started cramping a few minutes before I went up. Why? I don't know. So I went up, and I swear I had to think so hard to do this: Sarah, you gotta go up when they call your name, but AFTER Rebecca shakes Ece's hand. And guess what, I was successful! YA TA! But Rebecca kept whispering for me to stand completely still and shut up. It wasn't fun, standing up there for 1 minute. I can't stay still. :(

Choir: Sing Joy + College Hymn.
LOL, this part was so funny. I could not stop fidgeting, and Caitlin could not stop telling me to stop moving, and she kept telling me to be quiet and be compltely still. I made her so mad. But it was fun. I needed to tie my shoelace though, and I decided that it wouldn't be the best idea that I duck down like people usually do to tie their shoelace; instead I lifted my leg up, and I began tying my shoelace, head down, back bent. Caitlin harshly whispered to me so many times to stand up straight warning me that people could see, despite the dim lights. I replied with a, "I'm almost done!". She also glared at me when I reached behind her back to prod Kathy a bit. That was all funny.

Oh and in the College Hymn, there was this really big and loud and low drum, that sent me in a wave of giggles while singing. Caitlin rolled her eyes at me, chuckling along as we sung. We were happy people. :)

Choir: The Blessing Song.
I tripped down the stairs as we walked down towards the stage from the upper balcony. LUCKILY, it was only 3 steps, and the lights were dimmed, but I scratched myself. And I was sure people saw here and there. I harmonized the song :). Why? Coz that's how I roll. Oh yeah. Anyway, At the end of the song, someone like, laughed really really loudly, and sent scattered laughing from all over the building. Yeah... random.

I forgot to mention that there were approximately 1200 students present during the night, as well as parents. So yeah. But it was a good night. I had a lot of fun.

By the way, I actually deleted "Handwritten", for two reasons. 1, because it's mean to him, and 2, my mum said so :D.

Word of the day: Elongate. Bahaha.

And my scar is just a scar now, and it's gone slightly smaller. It's still very seeable though. I look tank with it. Whoo!

Anyway, time to sleep, I'm wrecked from doing no school work at all!

LOL, Sarah.

Rev it up!

Woo, school tomorrow.

It's probably the most exciting thing happening now. Haha. But yeah, It's kinda like, 1:33 right now... so it's pretty late. I think I should sleep soon. Yeah, soon. I'm also sleep-deprived, so sorry if I'm a bit jumpy (I was a bit jumpy when I wrote a message to REVEREND Colin on his congratulations card... I was excited :D)

So now, I wonder what I shall write. I know, a self-reflection of what I think I am. It's horrid, I know, it's all about me me me me me me me. But I've been having a hard time thinking of something else to say; holidays were kinda boring, and not everthing has been going too well. Except that I actually finished my film analysis, and I'm kinda proud of it. Pretty good for last-minute work, I'd say. :)

Anyway, a few things I've worked out about myself recently:

~ I'm extremely self-conscious/constantly worried about being judged, stereotyped, etc.
~ I'm a night-dweller/I like to deprive myself of sleep; why? Because I like talking to Perth people.
~ I constantly compare myself to everyone around me; their talents, their maturity, and their faith.
~ I'm extremely talkative to people I don't think I've ever met before.

It's really bad. I mean the first 3. I suppose I need to remind myself, that none of that matters, but all that matters is that the name of the LORD be lifted high, high and mighty. And that I learn to love Him a little more each and everyday. :)

Bahaha, so I went out with a couple of friends from school on Friday; we'd organised to go to Bridge Road (I swear, they're trying to turn me into a girly-girl). But it was fun, and I got to buy my hat. So on the way, we were on a tram to Bridge Road, and Denise decided to sit down after some other guy had left to get off the train. She sat down next to a youngish male, probably early 20s? and she stayed there for the rest of the trip. Cool? Cool. I decided to squat on the tram, but then found it was a bad idea when I almost created a domino affect with all humans surrounding me. And everyone was laughing at me too. So I stood up.

Then we went WINDOW shopping. Why? We couldn't afford anything. Well, maybe some things... But basically only Denise and Bec bough dresses. And Jackie bought a necklace. And we all bought Maccas. And them being girly-girls, we only really looked at dresses. Ew. Interesting, but ew. Haha :)

On the way back, we went on the tram. Took 15 minutes, but it still came to us. Then! That guy was there again! Behind Denise! He seemed to remember us too. He began listening into our conversations, and laughed when I almost leaped out of my skin when my phone vibrated, etc.

And then he went off at the same time as us. O_O. I so wanted to talk to him aye, hahaha so random.

Anyway he went and we went home. etc. And stuff.

Yeah I'm gonna sleep now.

Night :D

AND CONGRATS REVEREND COLIN!

LOL, Sarah.

My Life Story... Well, bits of it.

Maybe you can see, that I ran out of ideas.

Luckily, I wrote an extra little thing yesterday to fill the gap! YAY! (Yesterday I had the opposite to writer's block, so yeah :)

---

There were so many voices. So many combinations of shouting, yelling, crying, murmuring, declaring, proclaiming, rejoicing; so much voice filled the place. Everyone was so in awe.

I fell down on my knees and wept.

How could I not worship You in this place, let alone in my daily life? How could I not, even when I am constantly in Your presence; I am in awe of You... How could I not?

---

Mmm, my mind flashes back to a few months ago; you were still here, and I'd just gotten to know you better. We enjoyed each other's company, even though sometimes I struggled with what to say; thankfully it was never awkward between us. Such a nice evening it was, walking under the colourful city lights, rushing to meet a deadline after sneakily looking for some fun.

And now I have these small photos to remember our fun. Two larger ones, accompanied by four smaller ones, of which two were a copy of the larger ones. The backgrounds we chose varied from white, as well as my favourite colours, orange and green.

In the white one, I was cut off, with only my hat trying to flee from the capturing flash. I made you look like a loner, haha! The others were better; we were both cropped in nicely, showing off our ice-cream and such things. I made you promise not to ever show anyone else these embarrassing moments.

It was a good day, and a day I won't forget for a while. You're such a cool friend AND big brother, I await to see you again so we can be even more sneaky ;). And more ice-cream too...

Or I'll just head your direction for your specials. Either way, time spent with you isn't time wasted :P.

We're friends, of course. Thanks for staying in touch with me.

LOL, Sarah.