Lackadaisical.

I'm abstracted, besieged, confounded, deluged, enervated... I could go on... go on, look them up.

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The dusty rays beamed through the dirty glass pane, landing softly on the metallic packet, which glinted sharply in a brilliant white, mirroring the awe of the sun against the unkempt beams framing the door. Bubbles of plastic protruded from the flat panel of silver branded with words, and from within each bubble sat a single pill; untouched, chaste, unbroken and secure.

They certainly weren't familiar to me, but I knew what they were. They were as a bed to the restless, food to the hungry, and an umbrella to those drenched by the rain. They were cold-and-flu relief tablets, alleviation to anyone inflicted with the affects of spring.

In my healthy status, I understood them as very much the same thing, however...

Why wasn't I relieved when I saw the tablets, that they would fight for me in sickness? But instead, I am disheartened, and suddenly burdened with grief as thoughts of you flood back into my memories, where I had taken these same pills on the same night I not only was physically afflicted by influenza, but also ailed with wretched, torturous apparitions of the reality I thought would never come to pass.

And now that it's past, all I can say is I miss you.

- Once again, an expansion of a sentence written on the box of my Wicked mug earlier today.. or yesterday.
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This whole week, I've been asking God 'how can anyone - least of all You - expect me to be able to worship You? To lead myself, let alone other people?' ... My heart has been tormented by discouraging and humiliating thoughts, and all I can hear God reminding me is this:

'I have nothing to be proud about, because I am weak, and I am worn out. But by God's grace, His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and when I fall short, His grace is sufficient for what I need'.

And what is so dangerous is that in our treks to creating perfection, our pride is seeps in, so that if we fall short, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We punish ourselves so inhumanly for what else, but for being... humans, who have always fallen short, but we expect to be able to do anything.

"With human beings this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26.

And I'm struggling with this, I will admit to that. I fall short, but only by the grace of God, and for the greater glory of God, whose strength is made perfect in my weakness, that I can get back up again.

LOL, Sarah.
This is my only online source for a while.