"I'll Monitor Your Frequencies".

I only thought about you once today; do you remember how I wrote 'there's a first for everything'? In my very first of dreams, my very first kiss was you.

I'm fighting myself on the inside. I quote, describing my life with 6 words:
Battle between the heart and mind.

Mass Japanese food bulk up today at my house :) I love Jap food. We got like 3 bowls of different dishes, and sushi, and also dumplings. How much better can this get? I should have some dinner, but it's late, and I need to spare myself. I've commenced studying, woo! And I watched Star Trek with my brothers today; it was intense :) And I loved it!

What happens to a friendship that I feel so burdened to pursue?

LOL, Sarah.

Bleeding Colours.

Somehow, you are in my everyday routine; my thought processes get through the day, and never once have you not been on my mind at one point in time.

Within the confines of my hand, my illustrator twirls; it delves deep into the corners of my heart, and assesses its very state. It questions my very thoughts, filtering through scenes and excerpts of the past and of the present; it extracts the vibrant and perhaps controversial memories suppressed within the depths of my heart. Using these, my illustrator begins sketching my innermost emotions and painting words with the colours of my mind and of my heart. With every stroke, a blow of anger slices through the page, and somewhat, somehow, my heart becomes stained with scars of the past, etched heavily and painfully into the walls of my heart.

Writing, especially hand writing puts my mind at ease.

Your name is beautiful. Its letters arranged so simply together, and yet in its simplicity, it resonates God's perfect handicraft and intricate detail in making your name perfect. Or is it you that I'm talking about? Who knows. I'm a biased being.

If you got swine flu, I wouldn't be able to see you for 2 weeks. :(

LOL, Sarah.

Is There Not A Difference?

I know that it's not my fault, but it kills me to know that your efforts were in vain. I hope this makes it better.

I wanted to be a friend to you again; we were best friends, and I thought we were over this.

Obviously not.

You still scare me, more than ever before now.

But I don't care.

I miss you, and I want us to talk to each other again. Is that so much to ask?

LOL, Sarah.

Finger Spaces.

Eurgh, you're even beginning to haunt me in my dreams. The only difference is... whatever I have been obsessing about had disappeared as soon as I saw you in clouds of grey and white.

Whatever has been going on, I'm really starting to hope that the top lines in italics slowly begin to fade. I don't even care that I barely know you, haha because this is so ridiculously pointless and unrealistic to me. I'm being completely biased about you, and I'm not getting anywhere; all I am is being caught up with my strings of attachment I've managed to wrap around you without your consent. I've made a puppet of myself, and even though you don't know it, you're the puppeteer who's tugging at my very motions. You subconsciously dictate my every move, and to be honest, it sometimes kills me. We don't even have some sort of concrete foundation on which we're building a friendship on, if we're even building at all.

*sigh*, yet you're still admirable. I'm just scared that because of you, I may seem to be taking my other friendships for granted.

---

It was the first time we had met, but you'd felt some sort of connection between us, didn't you? I met you, you met me, and we met each other's friends, greeting each other with courteous detachment. We stood by each other, with plans of simply enjoying a night that could have led to so many different conclusions. We talked a fair bit; your smooth talk was so easy and luring, and in my lack of knowledge of something called 'boundaries', I decided to respond in a similar manner. It was obvious that I was interested in who you were, but you got the idea that I was interested in you, didn't you? There is a miniscule difference, but had you thought correctly, I would not have wound up like this. We continued our elegant conversation; you were easy to converse with, entertaining, witty and intelligent. I don't understand how someone like you could take any kind of interest with the knob that I was back years ago. I knew little, experienced less, and in contrast to you, I was a black an white canvas whilst you were full of brilliant colours that resonated a living life. You knew it all...

And you exposed to me a life without expectations and rules, and as they said 'there's a first for everything'...

---

I don't know how to finish it. Hehe. Anywho, I have this blog I wrote at the beginning of the year, and I've only shown it to certain people. I'm not sure whether I should expose such a personal blog on this site, because of confidentiality purposes and the like, and because of the most recent purposes of my blogs, if you kind of get my drift. :P

Anyway, that will be all. I have an English SAC that I shall be studying for.

Until we meet again, oh dearest blog reader,

LOL, Sarah.

The Classic Crime.

"You're not perfect, but I don't care". I long for the day that I will no longer need to hear your name again.

I think I gave up on studying a while ago; nothing's sticking in... and though I feel guilty, I feel free. I don't know how that works, I don't know what to put higher... my education or time spent with my older brother. It's confusing.

I got my first A+ for English today, and I am pumped... even though I have an upcoming SAC... as in tomorrow.

It's slowly becoming more about school, and I'm scared that I'm losing myself in school again. Praying that I would find myself in You.

LOL, Sarah.

The Simple Life.

And I'm fine just seeing you from a distance. I'm not sure, but there's a chance this may actually be fading. You humble me...

I just wanted to say that there is something that's being very heavily weighed upon my heart. It's painful every time I get my psychological panic attacks, or even if I'm remotely upset.

Honestly, I've been meaning to post something like this since Friday, but I never got around to it because I've been moody all week. PMS much man (yes, I am directly blaming my PMS for my mood swings)?

I'm still unsure what this rock above my heart is, and it's been killing me to try and figure it out. I'm fine now, but I'm nervous as to how I will cope when I stress out again.

On the other hand, I had a good week.
On Tuesday, I confidently completed a SAC which goes towards my enter. I hope to get 100% (how farfetched is that?!)
On Wednesday and Thursday, I participated in Life Drawing! I know you're all jealous. The girl had awesome dreadlocks, and the guy had a hot back. Apparently, I have a thing for backs. It's weird.
On Friday, I participated in ACS Cross Country. I got owned, and I'm still recovering from its consequences on my lack of stretching and exercise.
Saturday was pretty average. I'm getting a new phone soon! Whoever has followed me from the beginning would know that I had a yellow phone... unfortunately, I will soon be pronouncing its funeral. The screen randomly blacks out now, and its camera doesn't work at all anymore. I'm sad to say that we must part, with all the good times we've shared. Thanks Tony, once again for your gracious gift. The phone will not be forgotten.
Sunday.. Sunday Sunday Sunday. Sunday is a good day. Thank God for Sundays and how Church is so closely aligned with it. Thanks, Holy Spirit, for Your residence in me.

... and I wish I knew what to say to you.

Pointless blog, but I wanted to post something.

LOL, Sarah.

She Burns Like The Sun.

You were one of the highlights in my day that was full of highlights...

Tears are welling up in my eyes.
I feel the need to rip out my heart from my body with my very own hands. My heart singes against my lungs and is attempting to break open the confines of my ribcage. Its irregular beats sync with my shortened breaths again. My heart feels like its being wrapped and squeezed by barbed wire, whilst at the same time it's about to explode. My breath suppresses the violent screams that are so desperately trying to escape, if I would dare sustain my exhalation. These symptoms aren't fake, and nor are they completely exaggerated. Dear God, it hurts. Because inside I'm still comparing myself to someone else. I feel like a quitter; why am I giving up something I once loved? It kills me to even try for it now, and these psychological attacks on my body are aching more and more as time runs out.

I found an excuse to talk to you again, despite my swift move to hide from the world. If you could pry my raven claw grip loose from my heart and relieve its pressure, there was that high possibility that I would cry all over you. Just because I needed to vent.

---

Stress has its down days on me. But I overall had a very good day. I love how we could spend such a good time together. It was as if there was no one else but you and I again...

... Like best friends should be.

LOL, Sarah.

Dawning Redemption.

If there is one thing that I need to be reminded of, it would be that change is undoubtedly inevitably slow. These symptoms aren't leaving me anytime soon, and it's been going at a painfully slow pace. I still don't have control over this.

It's so easy to know that something isn't right. After even just a day without spending a good amount of time with You, I've already begun to feel mildly incomplete. How could I say that? I have never truly lost anything of worth, nor have I had things I love taken away from me. I'm spoiled and no one's done anything about it. Yet still, my wires are already beginning to short circuit and my humane happiness is disintegrating. It's as if everything goes down like this: As I slowly drift from You, I slowly lose my joy. It's painful to endure, being unable to see myself change and move forward an inch... but isn't it great to know how much You are affecting me now? When I talk about being incomplete, I'm only incomplete when I lack You.

It's taken its time, and it's been slow, but surely You are changing me. And now, I'm needing you more than ever. You finally are beginning to mean so much more to me than just a God that everyone else praises.

- Written in the morning, before devotions.
---

Today was beautiful...

... The early morning fog, embracing the suburb streets and hiding every house beyond 20 metres. The hills, once so proud and majestic, retreat into the thick fog; not even a silhouette seen. The vast landscape, barely visible, attempting to conceal the life and activity within the warm houses...

... Faintly scattered across the array of so evenly spread rooftops stand age old trees. These very few prevail in their splendour, as they break the suburbian scrapers with their prevailing branches...

I saw this one tree which amazed me. It stood so outstandingly tall. Its branches were those of palms, where layers upon layers of withered, dead leaves were built from the base of the trunk to the tip of the tree, where it blossomed such a vibrant green.

Truly, it was amazing to me how this tree still stood so high against its surroundings, and its branches of its past life only emphasise the beauty of its present being. Isn't it beautiful, how we can be so much the same?

LOL, Sarah.

Take A Breather, You're With Me Now.

It's not weird to think about you from time to time, is it? I mean, there's 24 hours in a day, 8 is spent presumably sleeping, but there's still 16 hours of which your mind can wonder. One minute can't hurt, so could two or three couldn't hurt either, could it?

We had athletics today. It's possibly the biggest achievement for me to come third in the event that I dislike the most: 200m. Woo!
I've done two subjects worth of work so far, and I'm about to commence my third. I'm happy that I did study for the SAC tomorrow over the weekend, even if it was just running through. Woot! I need a good study score.
I owned Alex in Hammer, Scissors, Paper slaps. (:

Okay. I'll study now.

Hello, and goodbye (:

LOL, Sarah.

It's Not Infatuation, But You're Amazing.

It has been a good 8 months since all this had first started. I'm beginning to lose hope that this will pass from me, because I'm finding that no matter what I say and do, as time goes on, my thoughts always find its way back to you. I'm praying about this, that if this doesn't pass, that God would give me the strength to persevere and be patient until the time is right.

This is something new I'm trying. I am proudly presenting to you a new structure for this blog, where I invite you to take a trip with me into the realms of my life once again. This time, the italics that I have just written at the top will be about this one you until 'this' is over. Just to ensure, we are not talking about the history of my blog... as for what it IS, you can try and work it out :) Sorry to be cryptic, but I do have the right to reserve some privacy, hehe.

---

Would it ever hurt to think of the 'what if'? Even so, I'm still convinced that this was the best decision for us. I hope you, also, will never regret this.

I dare you this: Explain the difference between a best friend, and a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Where Do I Go From Here
- Relient K

LOL, Sarah.

Dramatized Improvisations.

We'd known each other for our whole lives, and it was only now that I could find a single photo of you and me. Just us, just together.

Something happened the other day. This something happened in the evening, almost midnight, and this something happened between you and me. You initiated it, and I could not respond with words; my voice was caught in my throat with my breath escalating ten times faster with no avail in its attempt to oxygenate my blood. My heart raced as fast as I could exhale in response to the sudden oxygen flow, and a shot of cold followed by a wave of warmth sent my body into frantics. I shivered uncontrollably, and my limbs jerked in every direction. It felt like I was getting a fever, a hot/cold temperature of which I was only afflicted with when I suffered from stress. The symptoms could have said otherwise, but tonight, I had an epiphany.

In the midst of all my dramatizing and all my health-risking symptoms, I had a smile on my face. In my trek of discovering love, I was discovering the 'second part' of the triune love given by a triune God to His people. You were the same, amazing, admirable person that I'd always looked up to, and now you'd helped me discover a way to describe this kind of love: the love that I had for you, and for all who were kept so closely into my heart.

This love, called 'philia', is a love that spiritually manifests and overflows from our hearts, and is true brotherly/sisterly love. I am yet to discover the full depths of this love, but it resonates so strongly just how deeply bound we are as brothers and sisters of Christ, and how Christ's love abounds in us. I know in my heart of hearts that this love runs so deep; we share Christ's blood, and share in His love.

And isn't it great to know that Christ's love can manifest in all of our hearts?

And finally, as I draw nearer to Him, I find that I am drawing nearer to you also...

---

Hey guys! FIRST, CLICK HERE, THEN CLICK HERE! And enjoy my youth group's amazing skills at improvisation for 'DRAMA NIGHT'!

Try to guess our topics; if you're lazy, you can ask me or any of the characters about our topics.

---

This blog is the second of the three part series of the triune love given to us by God... but the third part may be slightly delayed for a short while. I don't believe I am in the position to even be able to clarify this part of love. It's kind of... sensual. Haha!

Until then, my friend!

LOL, Sarah.

Let's Talk Love, Love.

Because once you've let someone enter to your heart once, if or when they leave, there's going to be a void left that can't be filled by anyone else. In a sense, they've taken a part of your heart for keeps, and the scar will be there forever, and it's impossible to be completely and humanly whole again.

But by the grace of God...

And this is why I pursue a life without pointless, fleeting relationships: high-school relationships and the like. Most high-school relationships are based on simple attractions towards each other; temporary, rapid increase of hormones which almost completely controls us as we desperately try to find our place and make our mark in the world... but it seems that we've been making marks on each other's hearts. Are we really so selfish as to force our desire to be granted to us, that we should be loved by those who don't know how to love us, and steal a part of their heart for ourselves? Can we really say that we love them, when really, we just want them to make us happy and complete? Through trial and error, we sift through many things, and even many people, in search for this 'love' that makes everyone whole again... but why are we going through each other as if we can find completeness within them when we can't even find it within ourselves to genuinely 'love' without selfish cause?

Everyone's looking for something more. Everyone is searching for some sort of 'thing' that is supernatural, miraculous, and something eternal. Everyone knows that feelings are like the weather, ever changing, and yet we pursue them anyway, in effort to make ourselves complete. We're destroying ourselves and each other, we're taking each other apart to stitch ourselves back up, and in effect, we're dying.

Our hearts thirst for something that is eternal, so why are we quenching their thirst with the temporary? Is it not right that as long as we live, we give our heart what it needs for as long as it lives? And in our hearts, we all know that there was something more than our lives, something beyond this life, so why are we covering our true desires for the eternal with the fleeting?

... we are called to something heavenly.

I pray that you might find the love that I am discovering, and that you will diligently and earnestly seek this love. This is real, this is eternal, and this is the love that was poured out on the cross that day, just over 2000 years back. When someone dies for you, and you never see their face, and you don't even know their name... do you take this love for granted?

Let me tell you one thing: this love that I speak of is called 'agape' love. We cannot comprehend it, but we can only accept it.

---

This is something that seems to me to be really heavy... and I don't want to exhaust the point I am trying to make with further evaluation. This is what I present to you, this is what is on my heart. I hope this challenges you, as it challenges me every day.

And finally, I hope that I can show you this love, not by my words, but by my actions.

LOL, Sarah. :)

We'll Sing: You're Beautiful.

Her body was shaking. Her eyes were wet with tears. She lay in a crumpled mess on the floor. Hopeless. Meaningless. Broken. Worthless. Waste.

But in the end, words were just words, and feelings are fleeting. Something heavenly is dwelling within me.

~~~

I continuously drifted in and out of sleep, and the faces of the people I loved flashed passed me. They were all smiling, their faces glowing so incandescently - school friends, church friends, family, and others seemed to be overflowing with inexplicable joy, and I shared that as I silently laughed along with them. Their faces flashed by quicker as I spun about, struggling to keep the images in my head. I reached to touch even just one face, but I was stopped by the sudden ringing of the bell.

It was time to get up, and my alarm bell never ceased to remind me of it. It rang so boldly and proudly with all its might, and I sprawled my arm across the floor to get a hold of it. The old fashioned alarm clock continued to ring as I picked it up to examine the time; its a single lever which stood in between two large bells swung rapidly from side to side, straining the bells with a resounding ring. I lazily switched the alarm off, only to hear a buzzing sound coming from the tile floors. My phone was vibrating as a second alarm to wake me up, and I finally gave in to the start of another school day.

But today felt different, despite the same routine in the same environment requiring the same items. This morning, all I could think about was You. Every thought streamed towards reminding me that You were there, and You were looking forward to meeting with me. I was in no rush, but I felt energized at the thought of spending time with You once again. Knowing that I was going to talk to You, and You were going to talk to me; I was excited about being with You after so long. My passion for You was rekindling inside of me, and I felt Your love just pouring overflow into my heart...

All I can say is that You are beyond beautiful, and my eyes are fixed on You once again.

LOL, Sarah. :)

Lay Down My Guns.

Okayyyyyy.

The dream of you makes me want to puke now.

I wish it were someone else.

If I hadn't got myself into some sort of whacked out mess, I wouldn't be so discrouraged and lacking confidence.

I have a short rap. :]

---

If you haven't yet received the grace revelation,
Let me try and give you one simple demonstration.
Christ, He bled and then He died,
So on the third day, He would rise,
To sanctify and save our lives.
And we can glorify His name on high.
And that is what we call our salvation
Salvation that was without hesitation.
He has taken away our infatuations,
Our transgressions and our temptations.
And it's by His love, and His grace.
That He came down and took our place.

---

Yo yo, whaddUP G!

Inspired by family camp, around the campfire.

You were so cool.

LOL, Sarah.

Life Is Beautiful, Did You Know?

mistakes bring out frustration, but they bring laughter by the end of it.
drama brings confusion and stress, but it brings a good time and a great adventure by the end of it.
when you learn to laugh at yourself, you begin to laugh along with everyone else.
youll smile one day, i hope for it.

what i dont understand is how people can be so sad and cynically depressing, and have everything to show for it. however, when something uplifting, encouraging; something optimistic comes up, it becomes unheard of.

i had tutor with kathy. we're so going to ace the next maths test. our tutor is funny, his laugh is funny. he has a son who i think is pretty alright, but he only talks to kathy. jealous much?

im really hoping to be able to finish my art folio by tomorrow. im also hoping that i would be able to pass english with an a. i have less and less hope of that each passing day.

i love my friends.

i love my family, and im sorry for being such a teenager; im moody when i dont need to be, and its a burden on all of you. sorry, im trying.

you you you you you you you.

you are amazing. you are awesome. you are beyond anything. i just dont want to lose sight of you. maybe youll find out one day, how much in awe i am of you

and You. You are the only one who can let me see anything good. You reveal to me Your work, and Your work is good. every single passing day is good only by Your work, for Your glory. You are simply everything.

I love You.

LOL, Sarah.

Let Your Imagination Wild.

You may need to bare with the descriptions. I may have gone overboard.

---

I had a dream.

Patches of dark purple and red stretched over the horizon, looming like a dark, foreboding cloud carrying the weight of the ocean. The entire landscape was carpeted with a thick layer of soft, yet crisp grass which rustled as the cool winds swept over with soothing ambience. I stood in the centre of it all, and I watched numerous shapes emerge from the dense, black grass. Daisies sprang from the loamy undergrowth, sparks of yellows and reds brightened the gloomy scene. The grass suddenly began to shoot up, their leaves brushing against me with quick fury. I could no longer see the tiny daisies that stood so desperately against the grass, and with a loud gush of wind, I was swept away.

The scene changed.

I fell into a large, red reclining chair, and for the first few moments, I just sat there, spinning around slowly, gazing and wondering about the sudden change of scene. The similar shroud of colours from the previous scene was familiar; and I could only make out a poorly lit room which faded into darkness. Beside my "thinking" chair, there was a rather large round dinner table, represented with a solid blotch of red, encircled by a brilliant purple rim. A thin, white vase with a single rose stood in the middle of the table, and a flicker of flame drew me to a candle beside it. As I watched the small flame attempt to reach the height of the rose, I saw a figure form from the blackness, walking towards the table, where another chair awaited her occupancy.

My best friend greeted me with a smile, and I found myself warmed by her soft, cheerful expression, despite the lack of heat that the candle's flame could simply not provide. I pushed myself to move out of my seat so that I could properly greet her, but to no avail was I able to move an inch, so I contented myself with rotating my chair around. After almost a full turn, I saw you. You entered through blackness, just as my best friend had, and stood lazily nearby the table. Your dark hair was fairly thick and messy, cropped just above your eyes, which gleamed that same shine that used to always warm my heart. The corners of your lips perked up to create the smallest smile, although the rest of your face remained composed, and expressionless. Your hands were fastened into your pockets, giving the slightest of hunches in your tall frame; your eyes scanned everything before you, watching me, watching my best friend.

You were just as I saw you, every day at school, but this time, you're a part of my dream. It's been a year since I've known you, and even though I accepted that we would never speak, I couldn't help but be thankful that you were there. And yet this fact, still, intrigued me further. What were you doing here? Why did I choose you to enter at this moment in time?

You took interest in my best friend, and engaged in light conversation with her. For a short moment, I watched on, disgruntled that you did not talk to me, or even take notice of me. However, as I had my eyes fixed on your enlightened face, I saw your eyes flit around, and suddenly you shot your eyes directly at me, and sent me the slimmest of smiles in the midst of your conversation with her. Your smile penetrated my heart in that moment, and I couldn't bare to look at you anymore. I closed my eyes and spun myself away from you while you continued to mumble incoherently with my best friend.

I opened my eyes to see that you were in front of me; we stood opposite each other, and my best friend was no longer there. You seemed taller than I'd thought, and a bent mirror beside us reflected it against the familiar dark background. I examined us in a bent mirror, squinting my eyes for a clearer view. You were over a head taller than me now; I could only reach your shoulder in height, but I knew the mirror was playing tricks on me. I cocked my head to the side in deep scrutiny, and eventually turned to face you. You caught me by surprise; you were exactly level with me, and your eyes shot into me. I hadn't realised that you were holding me so close to you, and I attempted to take a step back. My body didn't will me to, and neither did you.

My heart fluttered with every breath that you blew into my face. I smiled, and nodded my head towards you. You held your gaze, and I could not turn away; you leaned in closer to me, and I hesitated. You felt my body shudder, and you let out a soft chuckle, your chest bouncing ever so softly against mine. Your sudden breath felt hot against my skin, and I squeezed my eyes shut in hope that my cheeks wouldn't turn pink. After a single second, I felt your nose graze against mine; once, twice, and I opened my eyes to see yours still fixed on me. Your brilliant white teeth shone against your cheeky smile, and your eyes darted from my left to my right, longing for my reaction.

And I woke up.

---

Whacked. Took me the whole day to finish this; on and off. I told you I'd write a story, but I never said it was going to be any good. :)


LOL, Sarah.