Alternate Futures.

I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted.

And it was about time that I had realised that I wasn't quite who I thought I was. This was a new sensation, a new path that I'd never been game enough to walk through. It was as if a new chapter of my life had begun to unfold... but there was a difference this time. There are two chapters, begging, colliding, arguing against each other to become a permanent part of the story of my life. They cannot follow consecutively, nor can they intertwine their lines of adventure together to create a comfortable balance. The pages flick through ever so hurriedly, and I can't even catch my breath to read even a sentence.

I could remember myself summarising the first paragraph of these two chapters. On one point, I was happy. It had been a while since I'd felt relieved from stress, and things were actually running through fairly easily. But there was one integral part of my life missing in this chapter, and I was slowly dying on the inside because of my deprivation.

On the alternative, I would find struggle, hardship, and sacrifice. I would constantly be in pain, and somewhat busy in every area of my life. However, I knew that it would lead to real peace and joy within my heart, and it would resonate so strongly. I would be in constant labor, but I would have enough strength, and I had peace of mind.

Honestly, I'm shivering to the bone with the consequences that these chapters are bringing into my life. The fear of sacrifice, and the fear of being closed-minded is a constant battle between the mind and the heart.

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

And right now, I'm dying on the inside.

LOL, Sarah.

Two Complete Worlds.

When I'm around you, I make one hundred million exceptions, and I can't help myself. Every word you say stops my breath short, and a smile creeps onto my face. Even the most neutral things are intensified; the way you deliver is so simple yet it dawns such amazement upon me. I am completely astounded and taken aback by you.

And I hate it. You're ruining my life. I lose sleep, lose routine, and all sense of time because of you. And I completely lose my self control.

I am utterly and incredibly infatuated by you.

LOL, Sarah.

A Casual Farce.

I was awakened by the vibrations of my phone as it sounded my infamously annoying ringtone, begging me to receive the call that had been made. My entire body was sprawled lazily across the couch, in a fairly unfeminine way. Thankfully, I was the only one in the room at that time. I stretched open my eyes, and for a moment, everything was a blur. I groaned slightly, and rubbed my eyes clear of the sleep that attempted to glue me back to sleep, even though my phone continued to cry out to me. I reached out my arm towards the table where my phone seemed to try and escape my grasp, and I almost spilled a plastic cup in the process of fumbling around for my phone. Once I'd got a hold of it, I slowly propped myself on my elbow, and stared at my phone until I could see clearly the name of which it wrote. As my vision cleared, I was able to make out the first few letters, and a symbol that had been cheekily added at the end of the name.

I felt my heart skip a beat, and my breath suddenly wasn't sufficient. I felt my temperature rapidly rising; it was as if someone had turned on the heater to 40 degrees Celsius. My eyes widened as I re-read the name over and over, and my hand shook as the phone vibrated yet again. A smile crept onto my face as I opened the phone, ceasing it from calling any longer, and held it up to my ear. I stifled my laughter as I'd heard a familiar yet strange voice speak into my ear.

I know who you are. :p

Epic donuts!

LOL, Sarah.

You Mature Child.

And there it was again; the exact same situation, circumstance, and even in the same environment. I watched you, dazed and amazed yet again, as you poured out your heart; you were so broken and so burdened. It killed me to watch you as you spoke of your sadness, struggle and hardships. And yet again, as it was last time, you spoke hope into your life, you encouraged yourself, and in effect, encouraged others and gave them hope.

The way I saw you was that you hated yourself, and with every wrong action you spoke of, in your eyes I saw regret and frustration. And I simply could not understand you.

Despite your burden, despite your shortcomings, despite everything, I could not see anything wrong with you. You were still amazing, inspiring, dare I say perfect, in my own eyes. It was as if I'd refused to see your flaws; instead, I saw how passionately bright you were in the midst of the darkest and loneliest of times. I saw you how God sees you, and not how you see yourself.

And yet I don't know how I can look at myself the same way. You're still beyond amazing, and I don't understand how I could ever measure up to your tenacity and perseverance.

---

And finally, I'm sorry, again, for continuously and absent-mindedly leaving you, again. It's killing me to know that you would feel even slightly annoyed at my actions. I'm trying for you. Still.

I love you.

---

I haven't napped in the afternoon today. I'm very tired, and therefore I have a very short fuse. I'm not angry though, I just dislike LOTE quite a fair amount at this present moment in time. Thank you for still reading, even though I haven't been blogging so much anymore.

LOL, Sarah.

Composing Yourself As Another.

I watched her as she moved so gracefully between the obstacles of tables and chairs, gliding so easily through and in between idle students murmuring amongst themselves. She pranced across the crowded room, and pivoted her way to my side. She smiled as she greeted me, and it was as if it was her smile that lit the whole room. I gazed at her as she delved into conversation, articulating with such passion; her eyes lightened and darkened as she spoke of the wondrous stories of her favourite past-times. Her elegant voice captured the attention of all around her; friends were engrossed in conversation with her.

I looked on at her; her face showed so much charisma and excitement, her eyes flitted to and fro and she waved her hands about. She hopped around daintilly on her toes; her whole body responded to her excitement and joy. Her gestures were outrageously dramatic, but she never seemed to care if anyone would stare at her; whether they would judge her, criticise her, or simply analyse her, she caught the attention of all who would notice. And she made me think about her, day and night.

She was incredibly unpredictable and uncontrollable. Her emotions lay just under her sleeve, ready to burst out whenever it was given the chance. Her smile never ceased to ease tension, and her nimble yet somewhat clumsy movements amused all those who watched. In a peer's perspective, she was a bundle of joy with no boundaries. But to me, I could see her in a different light; she was beautiful, but inside, she was a completely different person. I could see when her eyes darkened, and her face dropped to a numb, and almost pained expression, before composing herself and continuing her cheery chatter. I could see how she seemed like she didn't care what the world thought of her, but secretly she just wished to be understood. I could see how she was so animated, but I knew that all she wanted was to be accepted for who she was. Everyone was interested in what she had to say, but no one could see how hard she tried, just so that they wouldn't leave her for something better.

She was so afraid of losing others that she would never give up trying for them.

And that was just the way she was. She was beautiful in a tragic kind of way.

---

I can see how I'm progressively becoming worse. I am striving for something better.

LOL, Sarah.

Sorry, Guys.

As you get older.

You've learned that the only people who truly mean it when they say they love you are your parents.
You've learned that there's always someone who's better at something than you are.
You've learned that it's so easy to be jealous of your best friend, but still love them anyway.
You've learned that your problems are insignificant when you're older, but they're great to laugh at...
And you've learned that the only ones you can trust are those who pray for you without you knowing it.

---

I'm tired, and I can't think. I don't even know why I'm up.

LOL, Sarah.

Three's A Crowd, But There's No One Else.

And now all I could do was sit back, huddled in my chair with my guitar in my hands, wishing you didn't take my breath away... again.

1.
I just hated it when whenever I'm around you, and a conversation takes place, I can never find the words to say. Yet afterwards, I could come up with the most cunning of phrases, and I practically drown myself in regret that I couldn't conjure up a neater phrase any time sooner.

2.
And it's obvious that we're falling apart. But still, is it fair to say, that we're both still complete? People wouldn't have recognised us as two different people leading two exquisitely different lives. We're slipping through each other's hands, and this time, I'm letting it happen. We're unique as two different people, and people are finally seeing us not as we are, but you as yourself, and me as who I am.

Thank you, for acknowledging that.

---

Lalala, I've devised a whole new routine for my school life, to balance with my home life, social life, and life in general. The only problem is that I have no place to put my blog life :P, so I'm very sorry for keeping all you guys in the dark for so long. I've had a great time at school, things are happening so quickly, but I love it. The number of people that I've met lately, it's amazing.

3.
And I wanna thank God for His continual watching over me, that He never leaves me, nor does He forsake me, when I stray. Instead He always hears me out and comforts me when I pray, and He provides abundantly for my every day.

See how I made that rhyme? Yeah. How awesome, ay? :D

I'm more confident now. I promise I won't hurt you tomorrow. :)

LOL, Sarah.