Hybrid Sentiments.

You know what?

I'm alright with being replaced. Because first of all, being a friend of mine is no small feat. It's hard to be my friend. I don't mean that in a cocky, arrogant way; I mean if you make friends with me, it's usually tough to stay friends with me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but it can't be your fault, seeing as so many people in the past have left me before in similar circumstances anyway.

I don't blame you at all. In fact, I want to congratulate you. It's probably a bad idea to have become my friend in the first place. All you'd be in for is a spark, a glimpse of some artificial warmth, for example, which embraces you and comforts you almost immediately; but then after a few moment's use - because it's not manufactured to last - soon enough, it'll explode right in your hands. You'll find no use for it in the long run. All that it'd leave you is with a slight burn on your palms, and a lingering thought ebbing away at your mind saying what a stupid idea it was to ever buy some cheapo "instant-warmth" device.

Don't think that I don't know it. I don't know why it happens, but it happens. It's almost inevitable. But the way you show off your new "insta-warmth" device right in front of me is punishing. There I lie, broken and filled with glitches. and you just dangle it in front of me, still prettied up in its case, and glinting in the light because you polish it. You cherish that device, because it works, of course.

But that never meant that I never tried to work for you. I did, and I still do. Yet you brush off any sign of warmth from me, because it's too much when it's teamed up with another. You only need one, and you haven't bothered to recover what was broken.

I shouldn't complain, because I'm a faulty device anyway. But has anyone tried to fix me after I've blown up in their hands? Has anyone bothered to think that maybe my glitches aren't unrepairable? I'm sorry to suddenly be all needy, but I'm actually trying to make it work. You aren't. Don't be a hypocrite about it.

Complaining about others not making it work for you is just not justifiable if you don't put in either. When I finally want a break, rest my damaged arms from this task, don't burn up against me and say that it's my fault that I'm broken. At least I try.

---
I'm writing this to a lot of people, and I'm sorry that it's one of my angriest blogs that I've ever posted in the 260ish posts already made.

On a lighter note, I learnt something really positive today - because I've been troubled with a lot of thoughts - friends who I wish could be closer, and impulses which, according to my morals, is as wrong as sin. But these temptations are just that: temptations that steer me away from having faith that God's got a brighter plan for me, a future that's so much better than that I could ever dream of. A best friend who will really love me and care for me, and whom I can truly fall in love with and call my husband. It makes this wait worth it... it makes this suffering worth it...

Even when it hurts most.

"What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later." Romans 8:18 [NLT]

LOL, Sarah.

Prospects Insipid.

One day, the world may well swallow itself whole.

We are no longer blinded by the brilliant rays of the sun, but instead by the beaming headlights of motor vehicles, violently rushing past us as they impatiently draw near to their destination.
We no longer wait for the glow of the stars and the guiding light of the moon to greet us in its soft
reverie, and shine upon our path.
No, we impatiently work towards our own lights: artificial lights that enable us to work and play later on into the night.
We neglect the natural creation for our own, and are clogging out the world; a world which was once so beautiful.
A world untouched, unstained by the experiences of man.
One day, one will say 'What have we done?' as they search the horizon for the sun; it is gone, for the skies are black with clouds of oil.
And on that day, another will reply in glum sadness, 'What we can no longer undo'.
Man will finally weep for the world; not for its perishing, but for their ignorance to it.
And the world, so drowned in man's desire, will slowly fade away.
Neglected.
Forgotten.
Dead.

---
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
I have committed a treacherous doing. Your glorious covenant of law, thrashed to the ground, splintered into pieces by my very hand. And now, I can never pay it back.

And I know that You have paid the price for me already.

This repentant heart cries at Your feet. I need You, I cannot face the world alone.
I need You.
You are all I need.
Forgive me.

---
Pray, when do these tears cease?

"All these needless pains we bear because we do not carry everything to God in prayer". - What A Friend We Have In Jesus.
One of those worship revelations; something like God's opening our eyes...
And our bearing of so much pain, simply because we do not give it up to God.

LOL, Sarah.

Mmm School.

So I've decided today to highlight one of the events that happened in my day that could have ruined my day, and possibly my entire week.. and then when I'm reminded of it again another 2 weeks. Formerly I wouldn't blog in this way, because to be completely honest, it really does bore me to death, the fact that I'm typing about what I've done, and what I'm doing and what I think about it. It's kind of why I love creative writing. It's like talking about me, but in such a sophisticatedly strange way that it doesn't sound like it at all and rather like a short story instead. It excites me... yeah I'm weird.

Anywho! Back to today. I'm reflecting, ew.

So I completed a SAC today, borderlining the time limit, but I've lost 6 marks out of a possible 30 for missing a question altogether. It's shattering, but what can you do, huh? Bad things happen, and there's nothing you can do about the situation but turn around and keep moving forward. I guess I'm more comforted by the fact that I did all that I could, regardless, and even though the outcome seems glum, everything happens for a reason, and everything will work out well in the end.

Mmm, I've already bored myself out. Well anyway, I'm just happy that I can move on, because I know there's more to life than a measly little SAC, and well, God's always in control, and everything will turn out for the good (: Romans 8:28! So all I did was drown my sorrows with a hot chocolate, but I was chipper for the remainder of the day. I hold on to the hope that God is faithful and He will provide (:

Which kind of places me into a state of being 'okay'. And I guess when you're okay, your friends are okay, which is what we all want, right? Mm yeah, but I'm greedy and selfish and needy, so...

I wrote like thrice as much as this, but golly, I can really bore myself out! Haha, so this is the end result. (:

LOL, Sarah
These posts are so lame... it deserved a lame title.

Obsessive Governance.

I really had no idea where I was going with this...

---
We fear letting go of our problems, for we fear that they may control us. We trust ourselves far too much, and we're only too happy to take on as much as we can... as long as we're under control.

But who are we kidding? We're masters of our own destruction. We're piling up the papers, unknowingly that we're on the top of the ladder just to place the last bit on a mountain of papers. And when we come back down, we eagerly unslot a loose leaf, only too late to realise that it's all falling upon us; our world - that is, our worries crushing down upon us and overwhelming us in oceans of despair (cliche, I know >_>).

But it's who we are. We like to be in complete control - of everything we can muster in our life. When it comes to relationships, what can we do? We're too controlling to surrender even an inkling of our life story to another, perhaps lend them the pen, and let them write a chapter into our books, or even simply a paragraph or sentence. It's so hard for us to let anyone else in without surrendering our control, but until we do, they can't really be there, can they?

Because we all like to be independent. We all like to be in control. We don't ever want to rely on others - for fear of becoming a burden, perhaps, or simply because of our pride, and so we clasp onto the reigns even tighter, determined to do it ourselves. But our hearts will never be broken, moulded and shaped if we don't surrender the 'maker's position. We want to be independent, and yes, that's a good thing... but really, how much can we rely on ourselves? Sooner or later we'll be overwhelmed by a mountain of problems that we simply can't handle ourselves. And it's simple: we're pathetic. Who knew? Yet we give ourselves too much credit, allocating ourselves with far more than we ourselves can bear. We simply cannot do it all ourselves. Sometimes, we need to give others the reigns so that we can rest.

And we can't have others work in our lives until we give them that control to. We can't have God moving in our lives if we haven't surrendered any part of ourselves to Him. Once we do surrender to God, who holds the world in His hands... how much more will He take care of us? He who dresses the flowers, and gives beautiful tunes for the bird to sing. He who paid attention to the detail, so much that He created us in His own likeness...

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

If only we would surrender, and ask Him what we obviously need...

²⁸“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Stuff Christians like, yeah I can't really say anything else cos I'm going all blabbery and jibber jabbering: clicky here people!

---
I'm fairly level-headed, I like to say, but I hate this feeling of being fooled. Not by anyone else, because I can laugh it off sooner or later... but this feeling of fooling myself. I've had no one to help me convince myself that I'm fine, that I have all that I need - even though I really do. How could I complain? Why do I complain? Why am I so selfish, when it's so evident that I have all that I need and so much more?

But I'm so tired of all this convincing. Sometimes it just feels like I'm fooling myself into believing something that isn't really there.

Argh.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I really need to see You.

---
I just needed to write T_T

LOL, Sarah.
I really need to let go.

Execration.

The stupid thing about swear words is that we try to sound cooler by sounding offensive. We take normal, non-offensive, pedestrian, civilian and society-friendly words; take bother, for example, and screw it around enough till it becomes so offensive that we were once shunned to even think of the word.
Can't be bothered. Eh, sounds too... Polite.
Can't be stuffed. Mmm... could do with some working on. Stuffed is used fairly loosely. Refers to pretty much any existent noun nameable. Or unnameable in this matter.
Can't be _. You know it.
Why? It's so.. weird.
And yet now, swearing is our second nature. How ironic.
It's as if swear words were our way of expression. Through tone, pitch, volume... the harshness of a single word can be multiplied three-fold.

*sigh* If only the lips of my mind could be sealed shut forever, for they carry zip but profanity and anchors of depression. Sealed off. Unheard, unwanted. Unnecessary.

LOL, Sarah.
This is my second post in the span of 10 minutes. How strange.

6:00AM.

Good evening and good morning, I suppose for the late sleepers and early risers. Tally ho, it's Sarah DO!
Assuring you that I am delirious. Awake and delirious.

---
You're an entertainer. You provide people with brain-teasers with solutions so simple they even yourself. You delude people into thinking that you're some sort of mysterious, wonderful magician, whose true name must not be known! But of course, who cares for real names? Anonymity is your key, for one.
Just like a clown, you can juggle. Juggling all sorts of things: knives, flaming arrows, or just the usual hacky sacks... as long as it's balanced.
One hand must hold half the weight of what was in the air... if you're balancing three.
If you drop one, keep your face exposed. Make sure it seems like it was what you were meant to do. After all, you're on thin ice. Almost literally. Even a second's loss of momentum will send you down the drain.
At least it's a dam. You won't be stuck there for long. People come looking for you. They'll seek you out and tell you of what an idiot you are to have been doing so many things at once. But that's the idea. You entertain. You balance.
And if you can't, well you've just lost your life.

---
I only wish that during this hour I could manipulate such cold and rigid thoughts in such a manner that pleases the eye and enlightens the mind; I wanted to write a triangular prism of glass which overturns into a dazzling rainbow of colour. So simple, isn't it? And yet somehow, your heartstrings are tugged at, and your mind begins at work. Careful though, we don't want to exhaust that brain so much as to ruin the rest of the day now, do we?
But still... not even just an inkling of inspiration? A drop? A mere trickle down this dried up river?
Well anyway.

I don't know what I'm doing. I've lost sight of my road. Where, do I suppose, is this chapter meant to be leading me?

I don't, I know, I'm screwed.

LOL, Sarah.

Binary Countanance.

Hello italics, do you remember the post on Sunday, May 17th, 2009? Well, It seems that whatever that meant, I still haven't shaken it. I have just distracted myself from it... And now I'm just scared.

... No, you've been erased.

Maybe you wouldn't know that I'm an excellent introvert. I have some cunning in being able to hide away the darker corners of my mind. Perhaps I am too deep of an ocean, too scary for anyone to explore, and far too cold for anyone to comfortably dive through.

Enough of this.

---
I strode across the front hallway towards the hall of the sanctuary, and my first sights were immediately turned towards the right side; black dots bounced off every spurt of colour, slumped forwards with contrasts of various material: velvet, silk, cotton...
The right side of the church was absolutely packed with people, sleepy Christians whose beds were indicative of the mess of the corridor and the smaller rooms within the building.
A smile flickered across my face as I watched sleepy faces turn about and lips slur words so seemingly incomprehensible. A few cracks of laughter burst here and then, but the overall murmur sounded like soft pellets of rain on the deck late at night.
I would have taken my seat by a few friends I'd normally spoken to, but there were no seats to my avail. I smiled at the thought, and proceeded to greet everyone I'd fell in love with.

This twice-a-year tradition struck me as memorable, as feeble as it seemed; that somehow we'd become so full that we absolutely had to be sent out... And just so, we dispersed.

---
My heart has become too full of fake words and deceitful lies that you've fed me. I only wish I could give you more than what you've taken, but you seem to be ignorant of something deep, and all you want to know is to feel loved.
So does everyone else.
So do I.
But I don't ask it. I only accept it, because I already know it deep inside my heart. Despite all these overused thrashes of phrases so innocent and seemingly heartwarming. Besides all that, I know they care for me.
I don't need to hear it.
I wish I didn't need to hear it more.
But this is for you anyway, because you need it.
I miss you.

LOL, Sarah.
Don't just say you miss me and never talk to me again. Don't lie to me like that.

Suckling On Wires.

What would happen if you woke up one day to suddenly realise that there were no longer any means of communication with me?

Because I'm no longer a cyber being.

---
How devastating it is to know that our relationships are now built on purely electronic words: lol, k, hru... just to name a few. We've degraded our language, and lowered our standards. Heck, my school's passing level is 35%, that's so lame. Haha.

But in saying all this, I relate myself to the grasp that today's society has on our daily functioning. Lacking MSN, especially in school days will only cause people to become socially outcast, not knowing the instant gossip that are spoon fed to us in every way possible to do with online communication.

And how we are so withdrawn from talking in person. See, here I am. I am a traditionalist; ie. I don't find online communications as a significant and necessary means for the survival of a friendship. Hence I don't rely on being on MSN nor Facebook to keep up to date with e.g my best friend, of whom I rarely speak to on MSN anyway. The biggest problem I have with these means of building up relationships is that it's so multi-faceted. People can so easily lie, pretend they're on top of the world when they're secretly drowning in despair. I know someone who talks to me on MSN like nothing's wrong, and yet can't bring a smile to their face whenever I pass them by. It's almost as if online communication is the new mask. Maybe we can finally read human expressionism through their behaviour. How I wish this to be true.

I guess that's my petty explanation of why it's so hard to maintain a good relationship with me. I almost despise MSN. I'm only online just in case; talking to only 2-3 people on a consistent level. I enjoy real communication, face-to-face... Not even talking on the phone cuts it. But it's become inevitable: social acceptability seems to have online communication as its top obligation and an absolute necessity as a social norm.

But has anyone else been feeling the torment of such a lack of a deeper relationship?

I guess not.

LOL, Sarah

Amuck Ruckus.

You just know that there's something up when...

It's 11:33 in the evening- no, I'll correct myself- AT NIGHT, and you're hungry.

I'm so hungry! I spoke the very words to emphasise how hungry I was, and as I continue to write this, I still cannot deliberate that it was effective in any way whatsoever. :\ I'm a strange person. We'll deal with that soon enough though.

I've written a few more sentences on my little white box, and to answer Amy's 2 questions: It's something like a time capsule, except I have no intention of burying it; it can just sit on my table where it's easily accessible when I need to write something...
Which reminds me, I do remember my youth group making a time capsule and burying it in church in like 2005 or something lols... to this day, we can still not find it (: Gotta love youth.

And with the no Facebook thing.. if anyone's noticed, it hasn't gone very well, although I HAVE indeed limited my time on Facebook, which I find myself prideful of (eg. now, I'm not using Facebook at all!) Same goes for MSN. Not off completely, but only online occasionally. (:

I want to get something to eat, but I don't want to eat at midnight. Midnight carbs = winter fat body. Also, I already brushed my teeth.

---
Going to rant because I feel like it.

I seriously don't understand why people can mispell people's names... Wait for it... Wait for it...

ON FACEBOOK. Seriously guys! The person's name who you're addressing is just above to the left of your little comment boxes. It's something called common sense, by which even I can talk, despite my lack thereof.

---
Remember the 'word of the day'? Soo last year, huh? Well. Chagrin is today's word.

Today was Muck up day, and despite our lack of participation in the senior's activities (it was as if we were in prison. No one could go in to our classrooms, and no one could leave), especially the little action in the art room, I can still smell the remains of eggy fart bomb.
Oh, they egged the school like crazy.
They broke a window because of this 'lock-down', and vandalised every sign they could lay their paint on.
And police came.
Some dude decided it was smart to egg the security guard.

It was pretty good, only we were locked in like little fishes in a tank. We had no hope of leaving our classroom thanks to our PMS-like teacher. -.-

Although I'm disappointed with the costumes. Under-average much?

---
I refuse myself aping you any longer.

No matter how I use the word 'ape', it just doesn't sound smart. It's meant to mean imitate -.-

LOL, Sarah.
I'm still hungry.

My Love Goes Free.

Turning Your hearts back to you... again.

Again - Jon Foreman

It's ridiculously cold at the moment. My hands are numb and frozen as I try to type with stiff fingers, and I can't feel my toes, despite my desperate attempts at wriggling them. I'm sure they're moving, though.

Hello, and welcome again to the sane part of the blog that is owned by no one else but me, Sarah. Hello, hello.

Yesterday, I was completely skeptic about a piercing that I had done just over a week ago. At the time, I was able to brag about it not hurting me at all, and being able to stand the tiny ounce of pain inflicted in my ear whenever someone tried to hit me there. Suckers, y'all. I was so bold in saying that I was enduring practically no pain at all... that is, until yesterday came around. I woke up with a start, as I usually do. Everything was normal, but one thing: my ear was hurting. There was some sort of slight throbbing in the top of my ear as I got up. I calculated whether I had slept on it the night before, but realised that it was impossible; I was in the exact same position waking up as I was going to sleep. I was thrown into a slight panic, and dashed to the bathroom in search for the miraculous nature of my antiseptic spray. I carefully lifted my hair out of the way, and aimed the spray to where the stainless steel silver piece sat in my ear. I managed to miss a few times, dampening my whole ear with antiseptic, but I suppose that it was better than nothing. I swivelled the piercing a number of times, but I left it at that. My day continued on from there.

As the day progressed, I'd realised that my ear was getting worse. It began to have a burning sensation; a tingling feeling that I hadn't even got whilst I first had my ear done. I began to stress slightly, and sought out the comfort of my friends by asking them to check on my ear. They commented on its slight swelling, as well as its fair redness, which failed to calm me. I pranced around in nervousness, begging my mother to take me home as soon as possible, where I could spray another 10 times.

I got home, and I hastily checked my ear. The top half was indeed red, and the curve which sheltered my piercing seemed slightly out of scale to the rest of my ear. I prayed in panic, and sprayed it 10 times more than I probably needed to. I could not help but touch it so I could examine the exact location of the pain, but there was no hope for that; my friends urged me to resist touching the irritating pain. Some friends with prior experience of having a cartiledge piercing encouraged me with their own experiences; it was going to happen, and I should leave it. I decided to trust them this time over, so I sprayed it another five times, and I headed off to sleep.

This morning, I woke up, and it felt worse than ever. I was borderlining paranoia. I rushed again to my bathroom in search of my antiseptic, which I was losing faith in. The antiseptic cooled my burning ear for a moment, which sent me a wave of slight relief. However, the tingling resumed its place in the fresh hole, and I became desperate for affirmation that it would only be temporary. I texted over 4 friends about my situation, to which all replied with a simple "leave it, it will be ok". I didn't believe them, for I was sure it was getting infected. I convinced myself that this would be so, since I did not spray the night before last night, being the silly person I am. I deserved this for not looking after my ear properly. I prayed again, and I continued my way through the school day.

I got home, exhausted, but happy to know that my father was finally home from his trip to Vietnam. I suppose he was also exhausted and jetlagged for he was sleeping; I decided the same approach to relieve my exhaustion. I lay in my bed and fell into a troubled slumber.

I woke up again, and my ear was fine... that is, until my dad rubbed his hand against my ear in a cheerful effort to wake me up. I groaned, because a sharp pain shot through my ear, and I grumbled at my father to leave me for a while. I pulled myself out of bed, and, being too tired to rush, I dragged myself to my bathroom again to check on my ear. Surprisingly, it was fine, and there was no significant burning pain any longer. Just in case, I still sprayed it.

Now, there is no burning at all, and I am at peace with my ear. Thank God. Note to self: trust the people who've experienced it before.

In other news, I've had a positive start to school. I'm putting study as a fairly high priority, and I have already begun studying for a Methods SAC which I don't know when it is. I'm choosing the right things, and whilst they are painful and fairly heart-wrenching, I know it's all for the better. I'm getting back on track... God's turning me back to Him again.

I just wish I didn't have to hurt you so much, so often.

LOL, Sarah.

PS. It's been a long while since I've written something like this, huh?

The Relationship Rant.

I'm just gonna rant about my bittersweet distaste on relationships.

What do you think of when the word relationship is said/read? Do you think of the person you're dating, or in like with? Do you think about your friendship? Do you think of the connection between you and God? What is "relationship" to you?

Well anyway, that doesn't really matter. I don't need you to answer. But I define a relationship similarly to someone who defined the difference between a friendship and a relationship (basically I copied their answer). Now I can't remember who it was, but thanks for it anyway. Relationships are a connection developed by two people that is hard to break (or you and God). Developed through times of weakness and trial, to only strengthen this connection. And no matter what, these two people care, love, and respect each other, through the fire or storm.

Ok that was really broad, and I can't be bothered going into detail. I just want to get off my chest the fact that I so hate these things called "relationships". I'm tempted even to call them friendships, something that's easily broken, although also easily forgiven. I'm mostly playing around with these terms, but at the moment, the term friendship seems like a shallow, superficial bond between two people, where they may act kindly towards another, but are on guard, being careful not to open up too much. It's all based around friendly conversations, and sweet smiles.

I just hate how fake it is. And yeah, I try for more than that. I try for something deeper, in hope that trust may be able to unravel over time, and this bond will actually be strengthened.

I'm actually not going where I wanted to..

Relationships are complicated. Especially with certain people, who hold many people dear to their hearts. It's hard to spend time with certain people, and hard to maintain a consistently strong bond. It's also hard if it's one-sided.

I've learnt that I should enjoy the friendships and relationships that I have. Otherwise, jealousy kicks in. Envious of those around you who have such a strong, intimate bond with another. And then wishing that yours were the same. And then getting depressed and angry at yourself that you can't have that same bond. Taking for granted what you already have, and pushing for what you don't have. Yeah, envy in relationships. I struggled for about 4 years on that.

Yeah, I hate having to try so hard, but realising that you can only get as far as the other will allow.

LOL I wasted so much time just writing that. So angry and bitter, Sarah.

Sorry, this is the one topic that weighs so heavily on my heart; I am constantly reminded over and over again. I suppose, I don't know, someone could relate? Who knows.

---

In the arms of my Savior, I find rest. It's even hard for us. But I know Your promises; you are worth it.

LOL, Sarah.

Picture Perfect.

"You make me want you."

If I didn't love Jesus, I'd be swearing my head off right now. I would have punched a dozen holes in the wall, broken a table, and thrown a chair across my room past the rainbow dividers to the desolate other half of my room. My eyes would have been blood red and too asian to even recognise that they were, my hair would be mangled as if there were a cat fight in the midst of it, and my eyeliner would have bled out from every known angle that man has discovered.

But there's an awkward silence right now. You don't know what to say to all this. Here I am, contemplating the difference of my life without My Love, and you read on, astonished, bemused, critical, and devious. (I used words beginning with the alphabet for emphasised effect). There's really nothing to say about it. 'You go, girl' is kind of off-putting, because it's obvious that I'd lost all sense of feminine aspect of myself in that spur of overloaded impulse. 'F-oath, you're emo' is not specific enough, let alone hypocritical. Who hasn't cried themselves to sleep before? In fact, I want to slap the next person who does, and tells me about it. Back to what I was saying.

Then again, I'd realised this: If I didn't have Jesus, none of this would have ever happened. My life would be completely different. I wouldn't think this way, talk that way, and act another way. I'd probably be a slut, but then I'd probably never even met half the guys I know now. I probably wouldn't give a damn about school, although regardless, I'd still do well (haha, hate me, suckers). I know one thing though- you'd expect filthy, dirty, words from the overflow of my heart through my voice with every second word I'd say. Why? It's an epic battle in my head to swallow the vomit from my heart so that I'd avoid making a mess of everything, and anyone around me (yay, an analogy; think about it).

So I'm pretty happy with that. I thank God that I am who I am, because it scares me so much when I'd imagine myself without Him.

And it's obvious where I could have let my spew out in this blog right here.

'All my friends turned away from me. Now, give me your damn attention, and help me pick up my broken life.' - It's hard not to take your friends for granted, when OBVIOUSLY, they're not listening to you, isn't it?

"You make me want you". Please darling, I love how dramatic you make my life feel now, but there's a point where it's getting really stupid. You're pretty far ahead of it now.

Over it, over you.

But then again, you're not really over it, are you; when you say you are? Because when you're over it, you're regarding 'it' as the thing you're over. Hence, you're still thinking about 'it'.

Sorry for the irregular blogs. I try to keep my life interesting, but sometimes, it doesn't want to.

LOL, Sarah.

There are no knobs on my guitar! Argh!

Rant.

Hi people. I am officially not in an exceptionally good mood, but I can pull through. How? Through ventilation through a blog! YAY. I'm using through too much, and it's getting confusing. Baha. Anyway yeah jaggedy and awkward phrasing for when I'm in a strange mood like this, so bear with me please. :) You guys are cool too. This blog is specific to ranting.

Sensitivity.
"I'm a sensitive person, I get hurt easily. I am very emotional, but that's all in my nature, I can't help it". Now I would simply like to comment that, no, it's not actually in your nature; rather, it's your way of getting attention.

Quoting from STEP UP 2 (I still love that movie) "It's not about what you got, but what you make of what you got" - (I don't remember the character's name... lol...).

What I take out of this is that there will always be times that people will insult you, backstab you, gossip, get angry with you, be upset by you, etc. This will never change. Ever. You will always have haters. Muahaha. Anyway, instead, it's your reactions that are the consequences of actions taken against you.

Yeah, this blog could have been a lot worse, but I'm having trouble thinking of what to say. Just wanted to say that you choose how you take things. You choose how you respond, and you choose your consequences. I don't understand how people complain and be upset all the time and saying they get hurt easily. No one is weak. Most people don't realise that. Some do, yet still act weak so that they could feel the support of their companions and friends. Even fewer take it upon themselves to be strong, because they know they are.

I don't even think half of this made sense. Oh well.

I had something else bugging me, but I don't know how to write it out. Something about ex-best friends being boys. Meh, it's easier to talk it all out nowadays (I've talked 10 times more than recent times).

I need a happier blog.

Poetic Stranger.

I FEEL LIKE BLOGGING (it's 1:30 in the morning the night after the sleepover, of which I had 3 hours sleep).

Yeah.

Cool dogs, I haven't written in AGES. To be honest, I've seriously been out of ideas, and I've been overworking my mind, thinking about 1 thing... about 10 million times throughout one week. You'd think after thinking through something that many times, you'd work something out. Me? Nope. It's just a continual discussion that lingers on key points that don't lead anywhere; the debate is unwinnable.

SO, instead of any EXERPTS ehehehehehehehe cool word, because I can't really make up any, I'll tell you about... me. How I've been. Such and such. I'm sure people are wondering (makes me sound up myself and makes me look like I think everyone loves me... but that's not entirely true...) what I've been up to besides blogging, and why the long delays and such. WELL, I can't tell you everything, but I will tell you something.

Okay maybe not. Just that I've been deducing reasons to find the root of some sort of problem that I apparently have. I have a problem apparently. I don't know exactly what it is.. still. Anyway I just realised that I can't really talk anymore about that.

Our youth hosted a GARAGE SALE today! It was so cool, thank God the weather was beautiful (and mildly hot), and how successful it was! Yeah awesome stuff. I saw this tissue box holder right... It was Monokuro Boo. I was like. HOLY. GUACAMOLE. I WANT THAT. But I didn't end up buying because I was too cheap and I wanted Bubble Cup instead.

We have these American girls that came from America (oops), and they're here to stay. They've been here for a week now, and it's been so exciting getting to know them. However, I find it strange talking to them... Because I tend to talk a lot to them. And by saying a lot, I mean A LOT. I ask them heaps of questions, and relate to them with my own answers to my own questions etc. Make a conversation yeah? That's healthy. Yup. But the thing is, I'm really scared now, because I've become self-conscious, despite how easy-going I am with them. I'm kinda scared that they might think that I'm weird, but I suppose that it's a good thing that they still talk to me? So it means that we're okay yeah? I don't know! It's weird. I'm not usually so easy-going with other people, but these girls, mind you their names are Jadeline and Angeline are the nicest girls ever :).

I'm just so scared of being judged, stereotyped, and being seen as a failure or a disapointment, and that's the reason that I purposefully do not open up to people who inspire me. I hate that them knowing me gives them expectations of what I may or may not do, the reasons for my actions, my words, my moods, etc. It's just downright scary.

But these girls are nice. I feel myself around them, moreso than ever. Thank God that He's placed these girls in my life... it's kinda what I also needed; a boost (also part of a reason of the root of the problem? Not sure).

This is Angeline's pick up line that I made for her, it's the best!
Angeline: Hey (insert guy's name here), I'm Angeline, but YOU can call me Angel ;)!

HAHAHA It's the best isn't it?!

Anyway yeah, I find a lot of things amusing. Especially when I'm really deprived of sleep (due to sleep-overs ONLY). Like I had 3 hours sleep last night, and man, I was soo hyped up today for the Garage sale. It was fun. But whenever someone wakes me up when I really need sleep, and makes me uncomfortable, I get angry, and go sleep somewhere else... or I just get angry. So don't wake me up when I'm obviously dead-tired.

I'm fine now though :D I had sleep at Katie's. :0 They left me all alone in their house... HAHA my cousins went to like a birthday thing, aunt/uncs went to some meeting at church. So I was at THEIR house all alone... and I fell asleep. My mum woke me up by calling me. And then I played WII.

Yehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anyway yeah I had my deep momenty somewhere in this blog. Good enough.


LOL, Sarah.

I'll pose up my Haiku sometime too ay.

Queen Jealousy.

... Envy waits behind her.

(Reference to Jimi Hendrix, woo!)

Yeah it was just my mind arguing with itself as to whether I'm a jealous person. And I am. I decide to not do anything in reaction to envy, because it will make things worse. Oh noes! Yeah I'm really tired today. Just came home from uh Phil's 18th. It was quite funny. Why? Because Viet ate a whole bowl (those ones you put like sauce in) of chili! YAY. And Phil drank a glass of 75% alcohol. And that's all I remember.

My memory is terrible... if someone asks "what did you do today?" I'd have to think for a while, and then say "I don't know" simply because I don't remember. For example, James was telling me about how convenient it was that it was Phil's 18th party today. And I asked why, forgetting that he'd already told me why. It was when he said that he went to a lecture that I finally remembered what he'd said at the party. Maybe I was more tipsy than Phil today... HAHA it was so random, he was jumping up and down so randomly, and hugging people and dancing and shuffling and ahh good times.

HIS FRIEND WAS HUGE. Like I felt short enough standing next to uh Minh or Mark, but man, his friend was HUGE. I can't remember his name though. I don't know why. I remember the others... Bleh ohwell.

This blog is so not funny today. It's finally an account of my day. Ew, accounts are boring.

Anyway, time to rant (so not in the mood to, too tired).

It'd be way better to do this on youtube though, it's much easier to express myself with ranting through talking, but hey, you make do.

So there's this camp coming up, and I kind of want to go, although I have a feeling that I shouldn't go. Why? My parents are making me feel bad.

"You shouldn't go to something unless it's a conference" - Mum says that, because I had asked to go to Perth. And I was fine with that. So camp comes up, and I have high hopes of going.

"I don't want you going to anything that's not related to our church" - Dad says that, and I am heartbroken.

"However, I want you to be happy."

WHAT?! So they say that they don't want me to go, but they will let me go if I want to, because they want me to be happy. But I'm obligated to make them happy, even though whether I stay home or go to the camp, they won't be happy anyway. And if I go, I'll feel bad for not obeying them. But then I don't want to be miserable at home as well (I would be, I haven't fully got the controls of my feelings). But they want me to be happy.

I'm confused, and I bleh.

Sleep.


LOL, sarah.

Love-accentuating Light.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us." - Marianne Williamson; Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles.

Guest speaker at school came today. I took not too much interest in it other than the fact that he travelled to India and things happened. He also pulled out this quote at the start, saying that we're afraid of the differences we can make.

I don't think that's the case, but this is from my point of view. I believe that we fear to express our power and ability to create a difference because we're scared to actually show our light (actually, God's light). We're afraid that in this dark world, when we reflect His light, people will be disgusted by us; they feel more than comfortable feeling around with the little light they have. That is, they are comforted by the surrounding darkness, where they are easily able to hide their flaws; it's easy to conform.

So basically (I don't know what else to say) I just wanted to point out that we're scared of spreading light to a world full of darkness because we're afraid of being hated by people who never wished for light to be shed upon them.

"Folks don’t like to have somebody around knowing more than they do. It aggravates them. You’re not going to change any of them by talking right, they’ve got to want to learn themselves, and when they don’t want to learn there’s nothing you can do but keep your mouth shut or talk their language." - Calpurnia; To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.

I can't believe I used this quote T_T I hate To Kill A Mockingbird, but only because it's so immensely detailed. But it kinda goes with what I'm saying.

Yeah. That's all.

Updates: MY OTHER PICTURE IS FINISHED. I'M SO HAPPY. Not really. I really still don't like it, but I suppose it's alright. // My scar has lost all scabs. It's just pinky purple now. Eurgh.

I've realised... I lost my format :(. So much stuff to cram in and stuff. It's pretty hardcore. At least I know what to write now!

Thanks Tony for yesterday. It's so frustrating when you write a short story, and as soon as the words "I love you" pop out, EVERYONE immediately thinks that you like someone, or that you wanna be with someone 'in that way'. No offense (actually no take this as badly as you can), but that's really shallow. I don't understand how you can think that just because I love someone, it means that I wanna be with them. My friendships are so much deeper and are so much more meaningful, and I've made myself clearer than crystal clear that I have absolutely no intentions of even liking anyone. Everyone knows how over I am with boys anyway. I seriously don't understand why people would assume things and create reasonable doubt about something I had already explained many times before.

So yeah, it's nothing; NOTHING even remotely close to being 'in-like' with someone. It's about a friendship. And yes, friendships do go that deep. I'm actually beginning to think that friendships are deeper than relationships from a third person's point of view.

I just needed to get that out of the way. I'm sick of people lingering with thoughts of "OOOH SARAH LIKES SOMEONE". I really dislike it.

So much anger in this blog! Sorry guys, it just got on my nerves. Ahh. I need ice-cream. Quick quick! Yeah I'm hungry. I eat too much. I'm getting fat.

This is such an emo blog. Oh, but you'll never guess. For the past few days, I've been having Bold as Love (John Mayer's cover) in my head. Now you're probably thinking, uh, isn't that normal? Everyone gets a song stuck in their head. Dur. Even I do and all I do is cry (Haha jokes). Yeah, it's normal, especially for me, because I love music. HOWEVER. Here is the thing: I don't really know the lyrics. For example, this is me reciting it now:

Anger!
He smiles something
Something
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind her
Something
Who are the life-giving waters
Taken for granted
..

They're all bold as love

Haha yeah, it's terrible. That's what's so interesting about having the song in my head. You see, it's not the lyrics that get stuck in my head (however, ANGER randomly pops into my head when I'm sometimes feeling it, and I start singing poorly recited lyrics), but the solo of that song is what gets stuck in my head; I know it off by heart.

Ask Kathy, she knows. It's funny, coz out of nowhere I start dancing with an air guitar, as if playing the solo.

Question: How do you read someone's eyes? I never really understood when books said something like this (poorly quoting from Twighlight; Stephenie Meyer: He smiled his crooked smile, but it didn't reach his eyes.

I don't get it! I reckon it's stupid. I mean, I think it's more the stance and the body language that tells you about how people feel, not so much their eyes. And yeah. That's all for now. Answer ze question!

LOL, Sarah.

All that Artsy Fartsy stuff.

Ohayo. My name is Sarah. I am cool.

Haha am I kidding myself? :( I've decided to blog today, because I know that I had some ideas earlier. However, now... I've completely forgotten what I wanted to write about. Oh well!

I have an oral tomorrow. An Indonesian one. I have to learn about 20 sentences relating to "sickness". And body parts. In Indonesian. Wooh, wish God's hand on me haha. I'm so gonna get owned, even though I actually studied. HAH, nah I'll be fine. :)

Speaking of Indonesian, I'm really torn between choosing either Music Performance/Music Styles and LOTE: Indonesian next year. I only have space for one more subject, and there is NO WAY I will be changing the ones I've already put down. Here are the facts:

1. I'm currently doing year 10 Music Performance, which is the exact same thing as VCE Music Performance 1&2. Also, I got 98% for my exam, but only 80% for my performance on guitar.

2. I got 80% in Indonesian, but that's hardcore good because it was so hard. Haha. And it's a second language. I heard it gets scaled up by about 10? It's so cool.

3. If I do Music Performance, I will have no friends. Yes, I know it's shallow, but it's true. All my friends wanna do Music Styles if not VCE Music Solo Performance 3&4. I'm the only one that wants to do 1&2 Music Performance. Also, if I were to do Music Performance 1&2, I would have to consider getting a teacher (this year I'm being assessed on guitar). And I'm planning to get a singing teacher, so yeah (I need help getting one, so if anyone can offer me someone that can teach me, email me or call me or chat to me or something.. yeah).

4. I'm good at both subjects. I have experience of music because my older brother used to teach me theory and stuff, and because I used to learn Viet, it's easy for me to grasp Indonesian (word order; spelling; numbers).

5. I love music more. However, I really need to focus a lot more on practice, because I am no where near the level of 3&4 (if so, in need of a guitar teacher).

6. Indonesian may get me to more places?

And yeah, I can't think of any more reasons. But yeah, I'm so torn. It makes me buon. Oh well, no more thinking about it.

I've just realised just how much I write: I write a lot. Like heaps. In every blog, you have to scroll down just so that it would finish haha. It's ridiculous. But I can't help the fact that my mind is filled with useless junk that has the potential to be useful... NOT. HAHA I MADE THE NOT JOKE (couldn't help quoting Borat).

I don't have a daily word today. :(. I'll make it YAHWEH. I'm listening to Exalted (Yahweh) - Chris Tomlin on the album "Hello Love". It's a beautiful song, and it's just so like (an extract of my mind begins about here) JESUS PRAISE YOU, YOU ARE HIGH, MAN I WANNA WORSHIP YOU, THIS SONG IS AWESOME, BUT IT'S YOU THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT AWESOME. And it's true. No worship would really be awesome unless you know who it's directed at. And worship is directed to God, at God, for God. Amen yeah?

Updates: it's got a purple outline, but the actual thing is the same colour of my skin, just flaky! It means it's healing! Yay! // No progress on my picture. I REALLY AM planning on doing a new one... give me time please.

Someone keeps calling me and they're always on private number. GRR! So like they called again today, and I picked up (WIN FOR ME) and I said hello (question-like pitch). Then they hung up. What a waste of credit! And it's so annoying for me because I don't know who's calling and it's scary knowing someone you MIGHT BUT MIGHT NOT know has your number. And they keep refusing to tell me who it is. Not even leaving a name. It's sad.

I really need to get over my feelings. I have control, but my control isn't good enough. Ha. Holy Spirit, it's time to rumble :)

I don't know what to call this blog.. but I suppose you would know already, because by the time you read this I would have already written in the title for today's blog. Oh well.

I'm hungry

LOL, Sarah.

Bedtime stories.

I'm so tired. Dead set tired. Damn man, damn.

Not much to update, my scar is still festy. I have completely stopped colouring my NEW piece of art; why? Because I hate it. Duh. Why would I colour in something I hate? Anyway yessums, I am meant to be doing a few things. I've just remembered that I have an oral presentation on friday, and on the 22nd I have some art thing due. EH. WHATEVER.

Haha.

Everyday I seem to get some pretty random words in my head. A bit like "word of the day" kind of thing. For example, the other day, I kept thinking about perogative. And another was prominent. And now today, derogatory. I don't even know what it means, but it sure does sound cool (:

I have decided to say this: I no longer have any idea what to write.

Ha.

As if anything I've written so far has any relevance to you, apart from maybe you saying occasionally, "Hey! I do that too! Hey, we can totally relate to each other now! We're friends now! YAY!" Well yeah, I suppose, you're lame. Haha nah I'm joking, it's totally cool to relate to people.

I suppose I do go deep, but it's never really revealed, because I have speech problems. Ha. Someone told me a few days ago that when we think, our mind is talking to ourselves. And I was like. Huh. So true... lol. Yes, I say Lol. Now shoosh. :) I'll just reveal a little something of how my mind works.

In any situation, any strange circumstance, my mind is somehow able to wind it into a story. For example, I'm in a fight, and I'm standing next to the girl who's angry at me. And we just stood there, still, unable to break the deafening silence between us. I could not bring myself to speak, for there was nothing more I could say. It was her that would change everything, if only she would forgive me.

Haha, there you go. An exerpt of my mind. A sad attempt also, at trying to sound like a professional writer. Makes me laugh. It's interesting though, I love how my mind works. Makes me think, life could be like a story. Well for your information Sarah, yes, it is! Life is a story, perhaps one of the most dramatic stories ever set in a first person's point of view: you. Which then reminds me: should you really be looking through your point of view? Where you have ultimate control of what you see, hear, think, or do? Everything is as dramatic as you want it... it's a story. It's your story. But is it your story? Are you really the writer? Or are you the character that experiences the events that you do? Is not the author God?

Point to ponder ;)

Where you gonna go? Salvation is here.

Funny, I write how I talk. For example, in my previous blog... "Is it to glorify God? Or something else." Yeah, it's bad grammar, I know. But I was so into it when I was writing; my mind went something like this: Is it to GLORIFY GOD? (voice going to a higher pitch) OR SOMEthing else? (voice returning to original pitch).

Get me? Well it doesn't really matter.

Arrivederci! (Please don't kill me, I haven't done Italian for over 5 years now) Hehe. It means see you later, and that's all I remember.

Oh yes, I shall also tell you the meaning of my NAME! As in my username. Ok basically it means this.

Lots Of Love, Sarah.

OH SNAP! :)

Raging Worship.

Ohmylol, more people have started blogging. How exciting! Yay!

Yes. Anyway. I suppose my only motivation to blog is because of Aiball, of which he makes it more of an obligation, since every single flipping day he asks me to update the damn thing. No, not that there's anything wrong with blogging, it's just I RUN OUT OF IDEAS SOMETIMES YOU KNOW, AND LIKE, I CAN'T ALWAYS BE TALKING ABOUT HOW MY DAY WAS, IT GETS PRETTY BORING YOU KNOW, AND LIKE, YEAH.

I'm really not in the best happy mood, so YAY! You get to see me rage like crazy! How fun. Not really. Sorry Aiball, I didn't mean to take it out on you, but you told me to vent, and so I did (: So be proud of me, I'm actually venting.

Until someone can prove me wrong, I believe that all BOYS are the same. Tools, jerks, and annoying. Note that I used BOYS. BOYS are immature. If you want more deets, chat to me, haha. I'm not gonna go into detail because it's way too public and it's too personal for the public eye. So har har, if you don't have my email, chances are you don't even know me! -_-.

Who reads random people's blogs anway? I really should be more supportive and start reading other people's blogs though. I feel so loved when I get comments... I should return the love. Ha. Sorry guys, I really do love you... I think.

So yeah, I shall update you on my scar.

It's pretty yuck and festy. I peeled off the burnt part, that was going to fall off anyway. It's all flakey and stuff now. Pretty nasty.

What else shall I talk about? Oh yes. It's something I learnt on Friday. About worship. I'll get right into it because I suck at creating a segoe (is that how you spell it?) into my point.

As a worship leader, part of a worship band, our purpose is not to set the mood for people to feel comfortable in glorifying God. Sure, it's all cool for that, it can be really nice and sounding really awesome, but that's most definitely not our purpose, and is absolutely not a way in which we can lead people to God. Why? Because what is the feedback you get? Is it "Oh, your band sounded awesome, your singing and harmonies were perfect and the guitars were in top shape; I can't forget about the drums, the syncopated beats are just ahh, so perfect. It's a very good mood for worship". Or is it something like this? "I could see who you were worshipping, and it was awesome, even though you guys didn't sound the best, it was easy to tell how great your God is."

There's a big difference in setting the mood, and letting people sense God's presence. Our job is not to put on a performance, but to allow people to recognise our God. And our purpose is to glorify God. Not just in a band either. In everyday life?

I used to ask, "how do you glorify God in everything you do? How can you glorify God when you're writing an essay? Put scriptures in it or something? I don't get it..."

Haha, yes, you can put scripture, but ultimately, it shouldn't be HOW you glorify God in everything you do, but WHY you do everything. What is the purpose of your actions? Is it to glorify God? Or something else.

Man that was so random.

I'll leave youse to it then :)

Catch ya later! (I hope no one catches you now :)

Rainbows and Butterflies.

Hay look, it's a 2 year old drawing (enlarge by clicking on the photo... please). Heo yeah. In case you can't recognise it (or even as much read the heading), it's a picture of all the characters from the Little Miss and Mr. Men series. I used to have all these books of them, but no longer do I have them... I think we've given them away, after ridiculously colouring and drawing all over them with pencils (back in the days....heo yeah). Anyway this picture took me 6 weeks approx. A few hourse each week. It. Took. Ages. And I'm not completely satisfied at this, because I rushed to finish it, and I left gaping holes between a lot of where I coloured. But you can't blame me, I was only 13. HA HA . 13 is young okay.

Which brings me to this: it's amazing how quickly talent is lost. This picture is a perfect example. My talent in colouring has evidently deteriorated over the past few years, as well as drawing. I used to draw heaps. I lost the passion.

This is a really boring blog! Anyway so today I woke up, and did homework, which consisted of reading, writing, and colouring in. I suppose this blog is mainly about colouring in, since I've talked excessively about colouring in already (see above for details). Then I went on msn, and continued to colour. Then I began to learn Plug In Baby (acoustic) by Muse. It's a cool song. Then I completely stopped colouring and began to talk to people. Which I am also doing now. I also ate by the way. I ate KFC. I wanted Subway, but my older brother guilt tripped me into eating KFC. How does that work? I don't know, but I'm feeling light headed now. Anyway, I'll explain.

I was awake for hours, drifting in and out of sleep (I see now that maybe I wasn't completely awake for hours after all). And my older brother somehow towered over me, and I only realised once my bed started tilting on my left. By the way, I sleep upside-down. I'll leave you to figure out what that means!

And so he asked me what I wanted, and I said Subway. Gawrsh, I haven't had it for so long. Anyway, we got in the car, two brothers and me, and my older brother said to my other brother that he should eat KFC so that my older brother would only need to buy a Family Feast. Then he told me that we can still get Subway, and then get KFC, but if I wanted KFC, we just needed to go to St. Albans. Subway was in Sunshine. I felt bad, so we got KFC.

Dodgy. I feel really lightheaded. Sorry for the lame as blog!

"For from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34

It became clear to me just how fatal my words can be when my heart is filled with things like frustration, anger, pain and sadness. And how much my words can hurt. Which it has. I could not help it, because my words were simply the overflow of my heart. But that doesn't justify the hurt I cause.

Just something I learnt through the week.

I've started Devotions again. Yay!

Still light headed.

Skadoosh!