My Christmas Wish.

Dear Christmas,

The only thing I wish for Christmas is for the lost to be found, the broken to be comforted, the hurting to have peace, the weak to be restored, and the depressed to find joy in their hearts.

My only wish is for this world to go without suffering even just for one day.

LOL, Sarah.

Never Enough.

"Run faster! You aren't fast enough!" You screamed at me at the top of your lungs relentlessly. You glared at me as I stumbled over the rocky road over and over again. With utmost effort, I struggled to push myself harder, to run faster, to make you proud, but I fell over and tumbled in a messed heap. My hands and my knees were badly grazed, and a gush of blood came out of a dangerously long split on my forehead. I was dizzy, but conscious. I opened my eyes to a pool of blood in front of me, and a splintering pitch rang in my ears.

I made out large gasps of horror from all around me, and a distinct stomp and a grunt of frustration that temporarily broke the horrifying noise that overwhelmed me with pressure and anxiety.

"You idiot," I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear. I knew this voice. This voice was yours.

I'm sorry that I'll never ever be good enough for you. That no matter how much I try, compared to you, I'm worthless. Thanks for boosting my self esteem up so much.

I still love you.

LOL, Sarah.

Dear Life, Love.

Dear Future,
Please let me not meet my 'Edward Cullen' until I have met you. Prepare trials and hardships so that I may grow to take care of myself. Remind me that even without him, I would do just fine.

Dear Past,
Thank you for finally stepping in and facing me. Thank you for then stepping down, knowing that I have conquered you, and you can no longer hold me down.

Dear Present,
Push me further, and make me closer to the future. Prepare me for what's to come. It's time for me to step up, and you are my step up to the future. Because of you, may I excel in all areas, in faith, in life, in love.

And may I know Love more. Love that really is eternal, and never fades.

LOL, Sarah.

Never Will.

"Stop this train. I want to get off and go home again."

Deep behind those pools of chocolate brown rimmed with milky white, there's a promise that I hold dear to; a promise that I know will be fulfilled.

I have faith in you.

LOL, Sarah.

Love, actually.

We lay in the middle of the park, beside a small water fountain which glinted the stars and moon's reflection in its dribbles of water travelling down its figure. Your hand lay on top of mine, but we didn't fasten our grip on each other. And that was nice.

After a peaceful minute of silence gazing at the stars together, I heard the grass shift and flick as you turned your head towards mine. In response, I turned to look at you also. You smiled lazily, and closed your eyes for a bit.

"Babe," you whispered, "why do you love me?" You opened your eyes, and focused on mine. Your eyes glimmered against the moon, but stared into mine, trying to see through what I thought were dull patches of brown inset my plain face. I furrowed my eyebrows in shock, but I already knew the answer.

"I love you, hun, because you're not me," I replied. "You're nothing like me. You're the opposite of me, yet you accept me for who I am, for my abnormalities, and you complete me".

"Ah," You breathed gently, closing your eyes, and turning back to the stars, which seemed to be taken for granted now that we'd stopped gazing at them. I continued to stare at you, waiting for your answer.

But you didn't answer. Your eyes kept shut, and you smiled, as if you'd felt my eyes piercing its way into your mind, searching for what you would say next. You still didn't speak, and I'd realised that you wouldn't unless I spoke first.

"Then..." My voice was slow and unsteady, trying to pick the right words to say. "Why then, do you love me?" I waited for you to turn your head again, so you could answer my question directly.

"Well..." Your voice was sweet in the midnight breeze, which quickly caught your voice and carried it along with the wind, sending me shivers down my spine. You propped yourself up onto your elbow, leaving my hand empty, and gazed into my eyes with a serious face, searching for a weak point. I flinched a small bit, but I kept a composed face as you appraised my expression.

"I love you, baby, because you are you. Because you aren't anybody else, and you don't try to be anyone else. You strive for a better you, but you don't change who you are when you fix yourself. That's why I love you." He continued to stare at my astonished expression, and suddenly burst into laughter, laying back down on the grass and redeeming the space in my hand with your own. You turned your hand and intertwined your fingers with mine, and you squeezed my hand for one second, then releasing your grip again, and resumed your original place of the back of your hand in the palm of mine.

---

I had a lot of time to think.

Christmas in 12 days!

LOL, Sarah.

Urgh

"Hey, can you help me with something?"
"Sure"
*Helps*
"Aw gee thanks! You're the best!"
*Walks away happy*
And I never saw that person again.

Thanks, people who know how to be a friend without using them for your own benefit.

I'm too busy today to think, and maybe I hope it stays that way.

LOL, Sarah.

Confidence Future.

I could not keep still. Had anyone passed, I'd immediately flick my head their direction, hoping for a figure I could recognise. I wasn't sure of where I was, and I'd hoped that I'd got the right meeting point. My legs jittered under the wooden table; at one point my leg bounced so high that it lifted up the table slightly with a bang. That was going to leave a bruise. I continued to search through the empty court, arguing against myself as to whether I was meant to be here, whether she was coming, how much she'd changed, if she still saw me as her best friend after all these years separated from each other.

A minute passed, and I drummed my fingers on the table. Typical, I thought, comforting myself in a single stereotype that ALL asians arrive late. Although I'd have to exclude myself from that stereotype; obviously I was where we were to meet on time, hoping she could be excluded as well. Not today though. I continued to look around, absorbing the court which somehow now bustled with excitement and hunger, as compared with just about two minutes ago; it was desolate, lonely. I raked my fingers through my hair, then heaved a sigh as I rested my head on the table.

Maybe she's not coming, after all, I thought to myself after another minute had passed.

Suddenly, I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, and impulsively lept up in shock. The hand also recoiled to its own body. I gazed at the culprit of my bewilderment; I knew who it was, yet she was hardly recognisable. A shy smile fitted her small face perfectly, her eyes staring at me with wonder and amusement. Her hair was up in a pony tail to the side, tipped with a crimson red tinge, and swung lazily behind her back as she cocked her head to the side. A small chuckle, and she'd said, "Hi".

I'd caught myself again, and I smiled back. "Hey," I leant towards her, and we shared a tight embrace. After I'd let go, I continued to search her face for similarities; she did the same. After a moment of silence, we both burst into laughter, as if it was yesterday that we'd last seen each other, and nothing had changed.

But I knew I couldn't hold onto that thought. Although reunion was the sweetest thing, I knew that after that, nothing could ever be the same.

---

I feel so empty and dry of ideas. I haven't been feeling well; headaches and stress really aren't my thing over the holidays.

It's been three days without my phone, and even though it's so materialistic, it still kind of bugs me that I still can't find it.

Food helps me happier, and so does parents who adopted me. That did not make any sense. At all. Haha!

LOL, Sarah.

One, Two, Eyes On You.

Let's just say you inspire me. I know not much more about you than most other people, and that I'm fine with. The fact that I know you is a blessing in itself.

I hate how I'm just so clingy, and in such a constant need to have at least a little attention. If not, at least keep me busy, please. At least I know I'm doing something; I won't think so much then.

I thank God that He always removes troubles, burdens, and anything that hinders our focus when we are in His presence. And that feelings are temporary, and are easily eradicated from my mind.

What a moody day today.

LOL, Sarah.

Child's Play.

I watched him as he paced across the stage relentlessly, up and down repetitively until I was almost dizzy out of my mind. He was talking, yet somehow smiling. It wasn't something I understood when someone smiled and laughed about something that was killing them. I continued to watch him, and I was frozen in shock as I'd realised he was crying.

And there he was, his heart spilled out for everyone to see. He was so vulnerable, like a small child who cried in desperation for his father in the midst of a dense crowd pushing him to the floor, and almost trampling over him countless times.

Suddenly, he wasn't who I thought he was anymore. And it made me feel weak, and ashamed to even be so arrogant enough to think that I knew his circumstances. It turned out I knew nothing about him.

I felt my heart tug at my body to lean over him, just so much as to embrace him, and tell him that everything's okay. I wanted to comfort him in some way, and take his burden away from him. But it was impossible. I could only be lying if I'd even tried to promise that things would get better. In no way could I be able to comfort him of the future, when I was so unsure of the future myself.

But still, he smiled. He kept on smiling, and I knew, that there was a reason behind that smile. I was silly again to even think that I'd be able to comfort him, for who else but God could? I nodded my head in praise and thanksgiving.
---

Paraphrased exerpt of a journal entry, 04/12/08, below.
---

Maturity has revealed a child in me. A child with no worries, because all problems have the same Solution. I have learnt to be happy, and use what I have. I have been revealed the joy of having a Father, a best Friend, a Brother, and a Lover, and having everything I need. I have comfort in knowing that I have Someone who I can lean on and who can carry me when I am weak, yet that same Someone I know will push me when I get lazy and don't want to walk again. I am but a child, and that is what God made me; eager to learn, yet content and always counting blessings. Depending on the One source I know best, and pushing to make my Daddy proud.

And again, I rejoice in this wonderful new relationship I have in God, for Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. (Romans 5:11)

---

LOL, Sarah.

PS. God, why do you let me develop ideas so late at night? I do need the sleep.. and I can't sleep with ideas in my head... ><".