Serenity's Inconvenience.

Ripples interrupt the tranquility of still waters,
and clarity diminishes...

... but its beauty never ceases.

LOL, Sarah.

Detached Concord.

How could I describe you with such simplistic words that would capture your precise essence, without degrading you, nor elevating you too high with too far of an exaggeration? I wanted to keep this realistic, but I fear my words would place you completely out of proportion to your true self. I'll try for it anyway, not ignoring your faults, of course, but certainly not focusing entirely on the most appealing of your character.

---
You were possibly one of the friendliest people I've met, with a tinge of shyness that cast you aside from being fully welcomed. I too, was still fresh into this new world in which we both embarked in, but I guess you were more alone than I was, that day. Well, I welcomed you with melancholic smiles, encouraging you to even show your face... But your quiet voice hid away your true character, and attempted its best to paint you as secluded, outcast, and unbelonging. Never to worry though, for I happened to be able to hear past that soft but oh-so-cute voice of yours to hear your desires to simply be loved...

And love you, I did. We grew attached to each other, almost too attached that we were inseparable. In fact, I do remember enough to think that as you left me to travel halfway across the world for a while, I couldn't help but feel literally alone. Everyone else noticed too.

Anyway, I observed you as you eventually came out of that little shell of yours; an exuberant being surfaced, lively with a yet-to-be-spoiled sense of humour, easily amused, we could say. You were thoroughly enticing, and there was everything about you to be liked. I guess I adored you then, and it really was back then when I exalted all the good in you, perhaps overlooking your flaws, or perhaps simply too blinded by instant admiration to see you for who you were.

Not that you were a horrible person, of course. I still maintain that you are one of the friendliest, most affectionate people I know. Or are you? For I fear that you have me fooled enough to keep me hanging on to your intimacy so you're reminded that I could never love you less...

You, among the rest of the world, sought happyness, and you sought love. And like most... you find it, only to find you lose it.

Of course, you knew that I loved you endlessly, and I guess even though I didn't agree with you, all I wanted was for you to be happy... I didn't want you angry with me; one day of that seems almost already too much for me to bear for the remainder of our friendship. But when you find some sort of different love, and lose it... it's like expanding your heart. You stretched it so much just so you could fit this new love in, but by that time, they've waited too long for you to change for them. Suddenly you're not enough for them, and they've become too much for you to bear.

It's not your fault of course, but it's like this: the void in your heart can no longer be filled by my now seemingly pointless efforts of affection and ardour. I seem to fail in every aspect to try and comfort you, so much so that I've found you to be leaving my side more. You're growing, I know, and you're not mine. I can't have you, but can you look back, even just once and tell me how much (or how little..) I mean to you?

You've become sensitive... or maybe you have always been, now that I choose my words more carefully than ever when I'm around you. I cannot say something without fearing a reproachful response from you. You've become almost mute, too. I've realised that love doesn't almost blind, but love silences too. Maybe I'm overanalysing, but you've been silent for a long time now, and I'm beginning to mistake your independence for your ignorance. I'm sorry.

---
... And now, I would just laugh dryly, pitying myself, for I know that you're doing so much better apart from me than I am apart from you. You're so unknowingly ignorant towards me... and because of that, I cannot help but to forgive you. How can I blame you for something you do not know?

---
It's too bad that you break your heart to half it with a best friend... knowing that you'll never have it back.

LOL, Sarah.

Individualistic Sentiment.

We held unbelievably steadfast to each other, drenching ourselves in the other's showers of praise, care and love for the other. We were bound so close, that no one could tell us apart - that is, no one wanted to, because it was as if we were stuck at the hip; our traits were in sync, our every musing mimicked and complemented each other. Because... after all, opposites attract, don't they?

But now that people can tell as apart, we've become apart - and I cannot deny that I face losing myself... a part. Suddenly I am standing alone, feeling old, withered and grey, stuck with myself, and stuck pitying myself. I'm not quite complete without you.. but as long as you are, I will be...

starlight and moons grey,
clouds hanging in dismay.
blanket covered pitch black
as i silently pray to have you back.

winds surface and coo
leaves now turn and renew.
trickles down winding streams
as i lose you, one of my binding seams.

I'm so unwilling to let you go,
for I know that you can live without me.

For now, as I listen to soft words, the similar tremour of almost silence breaks my heart. I am not saying goodbye... but the horizons show too much of a likeness to the foreshadowing of never hearing a 'see you later' ever again is clouding my eyes with too much water for them to bear.

---
And it was there that I stood, my eyes filmed with memories past and present.

My heart has motioned its doors to open; an invitation to your whisper of words like a soft gail of wind seeping softly, effortlessly into my heart. Perhaps they were too harsh, and the shelves on the walls of my heart loosened their stability, sending numerous items of value to the cold, dusty floor. You knew I knew what you were talking about, but my entire body shivered, and my knees buckled at the sudden truth of your words, a burden I'd deluded myself to think was aloft me.

It was a sudden but inevitable reality to face... To know that I was hurting this much, even though there was minimal contribution to the reality at hand... The prospects hurt.

Suffice to say, I'm scared as hell losing you.

LOL, Sarah.
How could something so small matter so much? Just why?

Inadvertent Liar.

Hey you, again.

It's been a while since we've talked. Since late October, 2008, and that was a long time ago. I see you've been doing well to yourself... Haven't you? Well, let's take a look at yourself and analyse you once again. After all, who does a better job... than me?

You've learnt a lot through the years, with my help of course: you've endured a long line of suffered relations, and your heart has become so calloused that you are perpetually numb to losses - or perhaps I should call you arrogantly ignorant of them? Even so, you've learnt it the unscrupulously hard way, so I guess I shouldn't be too hard on you.

If anything, the best thing you've learnt is to save your own skin; only aiming to please the other... in any way, to keep them smiling, for as long as they're happy, you're alright, yeah? And if the relation should ever end... at least you're not in the wrong, true?

Well! You've successfully deluded yourself into believing your actions have not been incorrect, but instead, that your conduct reflects your true values, earnest morals, and I suppose what you believe to be your whole character. You even seem to pride yourself amongst these things, of which you've extorted yourself too harshly into doing so. But I see how you've somehow succumbed once again to me; your true self, of who I am in a complete state of frenzied paranoia and cynic. You've fallen far deeper than you and I had ever intended, and it can be construed that upon my perusal - let me just say this: you're utterly screwed.

Funny, isn't it? Whilst your intentions are pure, and you have no suggestive motive within your behaviour, yet I cannot help but scrutinize the inevitable loophole beyond your seemingly genuine implications, because I am almost believing beyond reasonable doubt that your actions are leading to dissolute ends... if not on your part, it's on the other party to tolerate it.

I still dislike you... but I'm learning to put up with you. Just please, if you truly wanted to make everyone feel special, and feel like their worthy of the love you're trying to portray - not your love, but His, change your ways.

And yet, I'm stuck with you, and I'm at a loss at how to change it too..

Yours truly,
LOL, Sarah.

Compromise.

I always seem to compromise my needs for my wants.

Just for that little bit longer.

---

SCHOOL.
GOODBYE LIFE.

LOL, Sarah.