A Pathetic Apathy.

This time, when I was to see you again, I would see you the same way as I did three months ago: completely and utterly perfect.

Symptoms, symptoms, symptoms. All in a frantic manner where one could only perceive the obvious; I was back to normal again. Three months were long, dreary, and tiresome months with no sense of direction or purpose. I was living my own life, and in living it, I was dying.

---

Grah, I'll post a story up soon. When I can finally articulate it well.

LOL, Sarah.

Reflection: Let It All Out.

Let it all out. Get it all out. Rip it out; remove it. Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. Because we're so scared to find out what this life's all about... so scared we're going to lose it; not knowing all along that's exactly what we need.

And today I will trust you with confidence of a man who's never known defeat. But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did, I will stare at you in disbelief...

Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency.

And You said "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember: the end will justify the pain it took to get us there".

And I'll let it be known at times I have shown signs of all my weakness, but somewhere in me there is strength. And you promise me that you believe: in time I will defeat this, because somewhere in me, there is strength.

And today I will trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat and I'll try my best to just forget that that man isn't me...

Reach out to me, make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for you... And I know you know you touched my life, when you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

---

Relient K has incredible lyrics. I'm so overjoyed at my peace of mind now.

I know it hurts, but it's for the better. It's not just for me, it's for you as well, and the general wellbeing of the both of us. PS, I still love you.

LOL, Sarah.

My Love Goes Free.

Turning Your hearts back to you... again.

Again - Jon Foreman

It's ridiculously cold at the moment. My hands are numb and frozen as I try to type with stiff fingers, and I can't feel my toes, despite my desperate attempts at wriggling them. I'm sure they're moving, though.

Hello, and welcome again to the sane part of the blog that is owned by no one else but me, Sarah. Hello, hello.

Yesterday, I was completely skeptic about a piercing that I had done just over a week ago. At the time, I was able to brag about it not hurting me at all, and being able to stand the tiny ounce of pain inflicted in my ear whenever someone tried to hit me there. Suckers, y'all. I was so bold in saying that I was enduring practically no pain at all... that is, until yesterday came around. I woke up with a start, as I usually do. Everything was normal, but one thing: my ear was hurting. There was some sort of slight throbbing in the top of my ear as I got up. I calculated whether I had slept on it the night before, but realised that it was impossible; I was in the exact same position waking up as I was going to sleep. I was thrown into a slight panic, and dashed to the bathroom in search for the miraculous nature of my antiseptic spray. I carefully lifted my hair out of the way, and aimed the spray to where the stainless steel silver piece sat in my ear. I managed to miss a few times, dampening my whole ear with antiseptic, but I suppose that it was better than nothing. I swivelled the piercing a number of times, but I left it at that. My day continued on from there.

As the day progressed, I'd realised that my ear was getting worse. It began to have a burning sensation; a tingling feeling that I hadn't even got whilst I first had my ear done. I began to stress slightly, and sought out the comfort of my friends by asking them to check on my ear. They commented on its slight swelling, as well as its fair redness, which failed to calm me. I pranced around in nervousness, begging my mother to take me home as soon as possible, where I could spray another 10 times.

I got home, and I hastily checked my ear. The top half was indeed red, and the curve which sheltered my piercing seemed slightly out of scale to the rest of my ear. I prayed in panic, and sprayed it 10 times more than I probably needed to. I could not help but touch it so I could examine the exact location of the pain, but there was no hope for that; my friends urged me to resist touching the irritating pain. Some friends with prior experience of having a cartiledge piercing encouraged me with their own experiences; it was going to happen, and I should leave it. I decided to trust them this time over, so I sprayed it another five times, and I headed off to sleep.

This morning, I woke up, and it felt worse than ever. I was borderlining paranoia. I rushed again to my bathroom in search of my antiseptic, which I was losing faith in. The antiseptic cooled my burning ear for a moment, which sent me a wave of slight relief. However, the tingling resumed its place in the fresh hole, and I became desperate for affirmation that it would only be temporary. I texted over 4 friends about my situation, to which all replied with a simple "leave it, it will be ok". I didn't believe them, for I was sure it was getting infected. I convinced myself that this would be so, since I did not spray the night before last night, being the silly person I am. I deserved this for not looking after my ear properly. I prayed again, and I continued my way through the school day.

I got home, exhausted, but happy to know that my father was finally home from his trip to Vietnam. I suppose he was also exhausted and jetlagged for he was sleeping; I decided the same approach to relieve my exhaustion. I lay in my bed and fell into a troubled slumber.

I woke up again, and my ear was fine... that is, until my dad rubbed his hand against my ear in a cheerful effort to wake me up. I groaned, because a sharp pain shot through my ear, and I grumbled at my father to leave me for a while. I pulled myself out of bed, and, being too tired to rush, I dragged myself to my bathroom again to check on my ear. Surprisingly, it was fine, and there was no significant burning pain any longer. Just in case, I still sprayed it.

Now, there is no burning at all, and I am at peace with my ear. Thank God. Note to self: trust the people who've experienced it before.

In other news, I've had a positive start to school. I'm putting study as a fairly high priority, and I have already begun studying for a Methods SAC which I don't know when it is. I'm choosing the right things, and whilst they are painful and fairly heart-wrenching, I know it's all for the better. I'm getting back on track... God's turning me back to Him again.

I just wish I didn't have to hurt you so much, so often.

LOL, Sarah.

PS. It's been a long while since I've written something like this, huh?

Straight Lines Are Blurry.

i feel like a shaken bottle of soda ready to explode, except everything is holding me down and i can't escape from the pressure building up inside of me. i'm being pressed into the walls of my glass prison, and i'm paralised by the liquid that's drowning out even my smallest of whispers. my only escape is the temporary relief of stillness; those rare moments where even though the pressure hasn't lessened, but at least i'm not being thrust from side to side, and top to bottom and the pressure isn't suffocating me more than i am. i would try to open my eyes, but even a peep would singe my pupils and envelop me in clouds of darkness. i've lost perspective of everything; anything i think of is blown out of proportion.

i just want to scream your name, and i want to let you know everything that i'm keeping hidden in my heart. i long for you to pry open this old, rusted lid that i've kept myself under, and that you would have any longing to quench your thirst of knowledge for who i've been, who i am, and who i'm trying to be.

i just want to confront you and tell you that you are the best person i've ever met. i don't long anymore for any of this "us" nonsense. i just want you to grow, and delve in such joy and love in and through everything; be confident in who you are, and know that nothing's impossible because of Him.

and you, yet again i am astounded at how much i'm allowing you to take control of my life. i don't want to do this to myself, but you're there and you're making it happen.

LOL, sarah.

I wish I could say what was wrong with me, but I can't. My only hope is that you would be so keen as to endeavour to hold my hand whilst I go through this, and trust that I will get through. I'm sorry about these blogs lately, these random outbursts of emotions. I'll get back to proper writing soon enough.

PS. I decided to write a tad differently.

Love Isn't A Feeling.

In case of emergency, scream your heart out until your throat is numb and your voice is mute.

You love me for who I am, but You love me too much to keep me from being the best I can be.

So why can't you love me the same? My focus is on you, and you're fine with second best.

I'm settling for less for myself and now I'm just dying.

LOL, Sarah.

PS. I'm sorry for the moody blogs!

This Isn't The Defining Moment Of My Life.. This Is...

Heck, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone.

How foolish to even think that there was a chance that I was ever worthy of you.

But...

Why am I still so addicted to you?


LOL, Sarah.

The Unfinished Song.

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to You;
To hold a conversation with the only One who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind.
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified.

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty.
Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me.
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me,
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need.

You looked into my life and never stopped;
And you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful.
And you recite my words right back to me before I even speak,
You let me know: I am understood.

And sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape.
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space,
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know.
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go.

You're the only one who understands completely.
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely.

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words.
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours,
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again.
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back.

The noise has broken my defense.
Let me embrace salvation.

I Am Understood - Relient K.

---

Holy Spirit, remind me that He already has taken hold of my heart. Remind me that He has always loved, loves and will always love me, and that this weekend symbolises the epiphany of His great love for all... for me.

And please, I beg you, don't leave me again when I ask you to go.

LOL, Sarah.

Good As You.

The bright rays of light breach through the boundaries of the horizon. They drench the lonely landscape in absolute warmth, while the darkness shrivels away and exposes a colourful view, which begin to fill with life and colour. Inhabitants of the land scurry about, surfacing from their hiding places to bathe themselves in the heat. Flowers turn towards the sun, allowing heat to surge through their stems, which brighten with such vivid greens, and open up a vast rainbow of petals. Fields of soft, dewed grass sway in sync with the thawing branches which lazily hang from steady trunks. The sky envelops the world in a serene blue, and clouds patch the sky ever so delicately, shapes of bubbles and popcorn scatter throughout. Birds sing morning songs, and squirrels chatter incandescently in excitement of the new day. The scene is beautiful, yet it is nothing compared to her.

---

This girl is beyond beautiful. Her every move is accented with such independence and still such grace. Her smile invokes such a contagious fire that instils every sad heart with joy. Her words speak peace and calm into stressed minds. She is perfect, her words are wise, and her actions bring justice and love to all who encounter her. She is perfect in every single way.

But what is wrong with her? She is everything, gives everything, and yet she expects nothing, and in turn receives nothing. Does she have no dignity? She lowers herself, and gives herself away. She is out of his league, yet she pursues him. She can have whatever she wants, and whoever she wants, yet she chooses the lowest of the low. All who look at her are stunned by her choices, and they wonder the very same thing: "Why doesn't she take what she deserves?" She risks her life for someone who isn't willing to risk theirs for her, but she doesn't care.

Maybe... the one person she really does want is way too good for her. She is humbled by every action that person executes, his flawlessness takes her breath away. She sees perfection in someone who is way out of her league. She cannot lay a finger down a single mistake in this person's life. His words are always filled with wisdom and care. He brings her joy, but she rejects his very being. Despite her fascinations with him, she completely avoids him, distancing herself from all the good that he is. She thinks that she doesn't deserve him, because he is too good for her.

Little does she know, he thinks the very same thing. He loves her, and he wants to care for her. He sees no flaw in her beauty, her actions, her motives. He sees perfection in every aspect of her life, and he is humbled to even be in her presence. He knows in his heart that he doesn't deserve her, and he watches her walk on in life. He doesn't do anything about it, because he believes that she deserves better than him, despite her poor choices.

She thinks that she only deserves people that are nowhere near as good as him, and he thinks that he is too flawed to be near her. Perhaps neither will find that the people you don't deserve are the ones who you need to love you the most.

I wish I was anywhere near as good as you; I wish I deserved any bit of you. You're beyond perfection. I don't want what I deserve, but I don't believe that I could ever have you.

---

The sun sets over the horizon, and darkness creeps over again. The land is deadbeat and barren. The flowers close and prepare for the cold night ahead, and the animals and insects retreat to the comfort of their small homes. Clouds menacingly swallow up the stars of the night, and a cool wind sends a shiver down the spines of all who are caught in darkness. As night closes in, the landscape is silent. Crickets stop calling, and at once, the world is asleep.

LOL, Sarah.

PS. Whoever said my blogs would ever make sense?