I want to fall back into the arms of the One that loves me...
But how can I when I'm holding your hand?
I still can't control myself around you; your being is entirely fascinating.
LOL, Sarah.
What’s ‘faith’?
7 years ago
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
This Is Me.
More than the sweetest of words, this is the love I have found.
I woke up today feeling more tired than going to sleep. Once again, I'd completely missed my alarm; I was in too deep a sleep to even notice its constant calls persisting to wake me. Indeed, I was an hour late for my que to arouse from my slumber, but nevermind that. Today, I came back into routine, into the life that I had so selfishly ditched. I'd have to rush the morning though.
I had myself finally delivered home. My mind crashed into a trance, and my body followed soon after. The day was finished, and I could not bare to take up anything else. It was beyond overwhelming. I needed the much needed rest that my body so craved for so long...
... It may have been days, or even weeks that I'd been deprived of comfort, rest, and peace of mind. I'd crippled myself of life's necessities. I didn't even eat properly, given that most of the time, there was nothing that I'd even desired to eat. My throat hurt, I'd lost interest in my talents, skills and even a sense of fun. I'd trained myself a facade that worked so well, I was almost convinced that I really was happy. I know, however, in my heart of hearts, that I was burdened, heavy, tired, and overwhelmed by the demands of this world.
I was cruising down the easy road of life, completely aware that the mountain that I needed to climb was in the opposite direction. I was planning a run-away. The scenes my life flashed passed me in an instant; so quickly they came, and they vanished the same. The road was fast, and I held on tight. But it was then that the sun began to set, and there was nothing I could do to stop myself from going into the blackest of paths.
But I woke up, uneasy, but awake. My breaths were increasingly short, and I was almost gasping for air. I pushed my palms on my heart to slow its irregular thumps, and curled myself into a safe ball in the comfort and security of my blanket and pillows. I squeezed my eyes shut, even though I knew that sleep would not come back. Soon enough, my body was calm, and I felt my muscles relax. Despite everything, I knew that today was different. It was a new day, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt normal.
My attitude is different today, I refuse to change it.
I'm sorry, but it's a sacrifice for our benefit.
LOL, Sarah.
I woke up today feeling more tired than going to sleep. Once again, I'd completely missed my alarm; I was in too deep a sleep to even notice its constant calls persisting to wake me. Indeed, I was an hour late for my que to arouse from my slumber, but nevermind that. Today, I came back into routine, into the life that I had so selfishly ditched. I'd have to rush the morning though.
I had myself finally delivered home. My mind crashed into a trance, and my body followed soon after. The day was finished, and I could not bare to take up anything else. It was beyond overwhelming. I needed the much needed rest that my body so craved for so long...
... It may have been days, or even weeks that I'd been deprived of comfort, rest, and peace of mind. I'd crippled myself of life's necessities. I didn't even eat properly, given that most of the time, there was nothing that I'd even desired to eat. My throat hurt, I'd lost interest in my talents, skills and even a sense of fun. I'd trained myself a facade that worked so well, I was almost convinced that I really was happy. I know, however, in my heart of hearts, that I was burdened, heavy, tired, and overwhelmed by the demands of this world.
I was cruising down the easy road of life, completely aware that the mountain that I needed to climb was in the opposite direction. I was planning a run-away. The scenes my life flashed passed me in an instant; so quickly they came, and they vanished the same. The road was fast, and I held on tight. But it was then that the sun began to set, and there was nothing I could do to stop myself from going into the blackest of paths.
But I woke up, uneasy, but awake. My breaths were increasingly short, and I was almost gasping for air. I pushed my palms on my heart to slow its irregular thumps, and curled myself into a safe ball in the comfort and security of my blanket and pillows. I squeezed my eyes shut, even though I knew that sleep would not come back. Soon enough, my body was calm, and I felt my muscles relax. Despite everything, I knew that today was different. It was a new day, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt normal.
My attitude is different today, I refuse to change it.
I'm sorry, but it's a sacrifice for our benefit.
LOL, Sarah.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Brightest,
If you find yourself here on my side of town,
I pray that you'd come to my door,
And talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about...
Because I don't remember anymore.
I feel like I've strained my voice so hard; I struggle to breathe, every second sentence is clouded with wisps of a thick, throaty cough which aches my neck as I attempt to silence the sound. Today went by so fast, and yet I feel so tired and worn out. It's as if my candle has been weakened, and the wax is too old to sustain me any longer. I truly am right now trashed, wrecked, and completely and utterly useless to anything or anyone. My mind is stained with violent thoughts and malevolent images, and I am scared that they will somehow free themselves from the boundaries of my skull. They flee so freely, but my tongue holds tight in my mouth; no words will scathe others, and my visions are my visions only.
Again, I'd missed you, though I struggle to convince myself that this is now for the better. Perhaps I'll let you go. Perhaps we should stop using each other so selfishly.
There was only one single time in this day that I did not regret. There were twenty minutes of my life that I did not waste away.
And I suppose this week was pointless; there was such a diverse display of emotions, drastic behaviours and consequences packed into this week, and yet now... none of it even matters. What matters is that now I can rest in Your promises, and that I can have peace of mind.
Thank the Heavens.
LOL, Sarah.
P.S. I lost all sense of tenses, but I ponder of what my future holds as the story of my life unfolds. "Oh Snap. It rhymed".
I pray that you'd come to my door,
And talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about...
Because I don't remember anymore.
I feel like I've strained my voice so hard; I struggle to breathe, every second sentence is clouded with wisps of a thick, throaty cough which aches my neck as I attempt to silence the sound. Today went by so fast, and yet I feel so tired and worn out. It's as if my candle has been weakened, and the wax is too old to sustain me any longer. I truly am right now trashed, wrecked, and completely and utterly useless to anything or anyone. My mind is stained with violent thoughts and malevolent images, and I am scared that they will somehow free themselves from the boundaries of my skull. They flee so freely, but my tongue holds tight in my mouth; no words will scathe others, and my visions are my visions only.
Again, I'd missed you, though I struggle to convince myself that this is now for the better. Perhaps I'll let you go. Perhaps we should stop using each other so selfishly.
There was only one single time in this day that I did not regret. There were twenty minutes of my life that I did not waste away.
And I suppose this week was pointless; there was such a diverse display of emotions, drastic behaviours and consequences packed into this week, and yet now... none of it even matters. What matters is that now I can rest in Your promises, and that I can have peace of mind.
Thank the Heavens.
LOL, Sarah.
P.S. I lost all sense of tenses, but I ponder of what my future holds as the story of my life unfolds. "Oh Snap. It rhymed".
Friday, March 27, 2009
They Were The Happy Times, The Greatest Moments In Our Lives.
4our things (inspired by ames4eva).
- There is nothing gained in a quick fix society aside from the temporary relief of a burdened and heavy weighted heart, which, in the end, remains burdened, and if anything, even heavier than before.
- The words "why do you love me?" never felt so real to me in my entire life until now.
- I can still see Your love everywhere, blessing me back into salvation.
- I've experienced an almost complete separation from the One that loves me most, and it will be my testimony when I come through.
LOL, Sarah.
Happy 100th post, and happy birthday Bonez. <3
- Beautiful; By Shaun McDonald.
- There is nothing gained in a quick fix society aside from the temporary relief of a burdened and heavy weighted heart, which, in the end, remains burdened, and if anything, even heavier than before.
- The words "why do you love me?" never felt so real to me in my entire life until now.
- I can still see Your love everywhere, blessing me back into salvation.
- I've experienced an almost complete separation from the One that loves me most, and it will be my testimony when I come through.
LOL, Sarah.
Happy 100th post, and happy birthday Bonez. <3
What am I, that I might be called Your child?
- Beautiful; By Shaun McDonald.
P.S, I was fiddling with the formatting.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Reality In Love.
And I was at it again.
I cringed when I heard a high-pitched voice, the tension and frustration that the voice carried pierced my eardrums, causing large thumps which threatened to make my ears bleed. I tensed every muscle in my aching body, sending shooting pains like needles throughout my crumpled physique. My desiccated body screamed hydration, despite the liquid that so plentiful attempted to escape my eyes. The tired voice continued to ring through my ears, repeating, muttering, and I slowly, excruciatingly propped myself into a somewhat stable sitting position to listen. I ferociously wiped my eyes along the length of my jumper, erasing the traces of liquid that managed to squeeze through my bruised eyelids. I quickly composed myself, lying with a foolish, blank expression which made my face seem less inanimate.
I allowed my surroundings to be revealed to me as I peeped through narrow slits in my eyes. I saw with blurred, welled up eyes vague silhouettes of my dark room; the light wasn't on, and I could only make out furniture and large decor that was placed practically around the room. I dared myself to open my eyes wider, and I could see more detail in the environment that I was in.
The voice that had bothered me so much had quietened down to slight footsteps that I could hear coming towards the direction of my room. They stopped outside my door, and for a moment, hesitated. Then, a soft, somewhat fearful knock against my door caused my head to snap towards the side, and my neck began to cramp. I pressed my hand against my neck as the door creaked open ever so slowly. I saw a hand creep up towards my wall where the light-switch was located, and with a click, light flooded my dark room. I cringed again in reaction, but I found myself easily adjusting to the bright lights that revealed the objects within my room. I could see.
And when I turned to the door, I saw who I knew to be the most beautiful person ever.
Her tired face was crinkled with stress and sadness. Her eyes were drooping, they were dark and lifeless. I watched her as she shuffled slowly into my room, and she met my gaze. The corner of her lips twitched slightly, upwards and downwards, and her bottom lip trembled slightly. She seemed to realise, and quickly bit her lip to control herself. When she saw me, she smiled. Her eyes stunned me with such a love that I could not ever comprehend. She whispered something incoherent, and I translated it as her unconditional love and care for me; her quiet words embodied my entire being, and it was as if she'd lifted a burden off my back. Despite my mess, she saw the beauty in me.
And it made me feel sick. I'd felt my stomach force my organs towards my throat, rejecting my last meal, as well as my needs of a constant beating heart, and breath to keep me living. I stifled a painful cough, covering my mouth in case of the blood that threatened to spew out of my mouth had I opened it anymore. Yet my heart fought against the action of my body. It weighed down heavier than ever before, and pushed against my stomach. My lungs felt like bursting, but my heart hardened to refuse the expansion of my lungs. My ribcage almost broke as my lungs tried to extrude, sending my limp body into another wave of pain. I forced my head into my knees, and suppressed my desire to exert all that was within me.
My body rejected her love and her care for me. At a single glance of her weary smile, I'd immediately drowned into a deep abyss of hatred and frustration of myself. My mind could not understand it and my body would not accept it. Her love for me was by far the closest image to the love of God that I could ever see. It killed me so much to know that I could fail her; yet I knew she had hope in me. She never gave up on me; her faith in me was unwavering, and she urged hope to seap through the cracks of my desiccated, dismantled heart.
How she loved me was beyond comprehension. And I could do nothing more than to accept it; my reasonable response was to thank her, for I could not do more. My heart splurged with sadness and sorrow, and I hid myself under my blankets once again. She left me to be at peace, still smiling, so desperately trying to instil the hope that she had for me in my heart.
I love you, mum.
---
And I place myself into routine once again; I am lifeless, I am a robot with eyes set in work and study. My heart has no place in this machine.
LOL, Sarah.
I cringed when I heard a high-pitched voice, the tension and frustration that the voice carried pierced my eardrums, causing large thumps which threatened to make my ears bleed. I tensed every muscle in my aching body, sending shooting pains like needles throughout my crumpled physique. My desiccated body screamed hydration, despite the liquid that so plentiful attempted to escape my eyes. The tired voice continued to ring through my ears, repeating, muttering, and I slowly, excruciatingly propped myself into a somewhat stable sitting position to listen. I ferociously wiped my eyes along the length of my jumper, erasing the traces of liquid that managed to squeeze through my bruised eyelids. I quickly composed myself, lying with a foolish, blank expression which made my face seem less inanimate.
I allowed my surroundings to be revealed to me as I peeped through narrow slits in my eyes. I saw with blurred, welled up eyes vague silhouettes of my dark room; the light wasn't on, and I could only make out furniture and large decor that was placed practically around the room. I dared myself to open my eyes wider, and I could see more detail in the environment that I was in.
The voice that had bothered me so much had quietened down to slight footsteps that I could hear coming towards the direction of my room. They stopped outside my door, and for a moment, hesitated. Then, a soft, somewhat fearful knock against my door caused my head to snap towards the side, and my neck began to cramp. I pressed my hand against my neck as the door creaked open ever so slowly. I saw a hand creep up towards my wall where the light-switch was located, and with a click, light flooded my dark room. I cringed again in reaction, but I found myself easily adjusting to the bright lights that revealed the objects within my room. I could see.
And when I turned to the door, I saw who I knew to be the most beautiful person ever.
Her tired face was crinkled with stress and sadness. Her eyes were drooping, they were dark and lifeless. I watched her as she shuffled slowly into my room, and she met my gaze. The corner of her lips twitched slightly, upwards and downwards, and her bottom lip trembled slightly. She seemed to realise, and quickly bit her lip to control herself. When she saw me, she smiled. Her eyes stunned me with such a love that I could not ever comprehend. She whispered something incoherent, and I translated it as her unconditional love and care for me; her quiet words embodied my entire being, and it was as if she'd lifted a burden off my back. Despite my mess, she saw the beauty in me.
And it made me feel sick. I'd felt my stomach force my organs towards my throat, rejecting my last meal, as well as my needs of a constant beating heart, and breath to keep me living. I stifled a painful cough, covering my mouth in case of the blood that threatened to spew out of my mouth had I opened it anymore. Yet my heart fought against the action of my body. It weighed down heavier than ever before, and pushed against my stomach. My lungs felt like bursting, but my heart hardened to refuse the expansion of my lungs. My ribcage almost broke as my lungs tried to extrude, sending my limp body into another wave of pain. I forced my head into my knees, and suppressed my desire to exert all that was within me.
My body rejected her love and her care for me. At a single glance of her weary smile, I'd immediately drowned into a deep abyss of hatred and frustration of myself. My mind could not understand it and my body would not accept it. Her love for me was by far the closest image to the love of God that I could ever see. It killed me so much to know that I could fail her; yet I knew she had hope in me. She never gave up on me; her faith in me was unwavering, and she urged hope to seap through the cracks of my desiccated, dismantled heart.
How she loved me was beyond comprehension. And I could do nothing more than to accept it; my reasonable response was to thank her, for I could not do more. My heart splurged with sadness and sorrow, and I hid myself under my blankets once again. She left me to be at peace, still smiling, so desperately trying to instil the hope that she had for me in my heart.
I love you, mum.
---
And I place myself into routine once again; I am lifeless, I am a robot with eyes set in work and study. My heart has no place in this machine.
LOL, Sarah.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
If I Could Just Scream Your Name... (continued from previous)
And there was one last thing I wanted to mention.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, so so sorry. Will you ever believe me?
I would only degrade you to make me feel better about myself. You're too perfect, and I don't deserve to even know you, talk to you, or love you. But I do anyway, because I want you to know that you're perfect, that you're loved, that you're the best person ever, and that I could never match up to you; I would only cause you pain, hurt, frustration, and agitation.
---
But please, do not think for once that it is about you. Don't be so narrow minded in thinking that the cause of someone's behaviour is the result of your actions, because more often times than not, it isn't. There's a larger world out there, and you can barely scrape knowledge of a miniscule piece of it.
The world is complex, likewise is the mind.
LOL, Sarah.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, so so sorry. Will you ever believe me?
I would only degrade you to make me feel better about myself. You're too perfect, and I don't deserve to even know you, talk to you, or love you. But I do anyway, because I want you to know that you're perfect, that you're loved, that you're the best person ever, and that I could never match up to you; I would only cause you pain, hurt, frustration, and agitation.
---
But please, do not think for once that it is about you. Don't be so narrow minded in thinking that the cause of someone's behaviour is the result of your actions, because more often times than not, it isn't. There's a larger world out there, and you can barely scrape knowledge of a miniscule piece of it.
The world is complex, likewise is the mind.
LOL, Sarah.
Alternate Futures.
I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted.
And it was about time that I had realised that I wasn't quite who I thought I was. This was a new sensation, a new path that I'd never been game enough to walk through. It was as if a new chapter of my life had begun to unfold... but there was a difference this time. There are two chapters, begging, colliding, arguing against each other to become a permanent part of the story of my life. They cannot follow consecutively, nor can they intertwine their lines of adventure together to create a comfortable balance. The pages flick through ever so hurriedly, and I can't even catch my breath to read even a sentence.
I could remember myself summarising the first paragraph of these two chapters. On one point, I was happy. It had been a while since I'd felt relieved from stress, and things were actually running through fairly easily. But there was one integral part of my life missing in this chapter, and I was slowly dying on the inside because of my deprivation.
On the alternative, I would find struggle, hardship, and sacrifice. I would constantly be in pain, and somewhat busy in every area of my life. However, I knew that it would lead to real peace and joy within my heart, and it would resonate so strongly. I would be in constant labor, but I would have enough strength, and I had peace of mind.
Honestly, I'm shivering to the bone with the consequences that these chapters are bringing into my life. The fear of sacrifice, and the fear of being closed-minded is a constant battle between the mind and the heart.
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
And right now, I'm dying on the inside.
LOL, Sarah.
And it was about time that I had realised that I wasn't quite who I thought I was. This was a new sensation, a new path that I'd never been game enough to walk through. It was as if a new chapter of my life had begun to unfold... but there was a difference this time. There are two chapters, begging, colliding, arguing against each other to become a permanent part of the story of my life. They cannot follow consecutively, nor can they intertwine their lines of adventure together to create a comfortable balance. The pages flick through ever so hurriedly, and I can't even catch my breath to read even a sentence.
I could remember myself summarising the first paragraph of these two chapters. On one point, I was happy. It had been a while since I'd felt relieved from stress, and things were actually running through fairly easily. But there was one integral part of my life missing in this chapter, and I was slowly dying on the inside because of my deprivation.
On the alternative, I would find struggle, hardship, and sacrifice. I would constantly be in pain, and somewhat busy in every area of my life. However, I knew that it would lead to real peace and joy within my heart, and it would resonate so strongly. I would be in constant labor, but I would have enough strength, and I had peace of mind.
Honestly, I'm shivering to the bone with the consequences that these chapters are bringing into my life. The fear of sacrifice, and the fear of being closed-minded is a constant battle between the mind and the heart.
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
And right now, I'm dying on the inside.
LOL, Sarah.
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